He Will Be Handed Over

“Taking the Twelve aside again, he began to tell them what was going to happen to him. ‘Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be handed over to the chief priests and the scribes, and  they will condemn him to death and hand him over to the Gentiles who will mock him, spit upon him, scourge him, put him to death, but after three days he will rise.’”  (Mark 10:32-34)

As I meditated on today’s gospel, I kept thinking about my families at the hospital. We walk into the room to explain that their child has cancer and the treatment they will be receiving. For the teenagers and the other kids old enough to understand this is what they hear. The chemotherapy that we are going to give you will make your hair fall out, it is going to cause severe nausea and possibly vomiting, you could get mouth sores, diarrhea, bleeding in your bladder or seizures; your counts will drop and you will probably need to get blood transfusions, you will be at an increased risk of bleeding and may need platelet transfusions, and you will be at risk of developing a life threatening infection. It can damage your kidneys, liver and heart and it may cause you to develop a secondary cancer called leukemia.  It sounded so familiar to Christ’s words, “they will mock him, spit upon him, scourge him and put him to death.”

Of course we present this information in a compassionate way and are confident that we can cure their child’s cancer, but they still have to hear this awful information. Their child is going to go through hell. We will try as best we can to prevent these side effects but for some of them there is nothing we can do. But what choice do they have? If their child is not treated they will die. Just as Christ was obedient to his Father and did what had to be done in order to save us from eternal separation from his Father, their child will go through what needs to be done. We were talking to a teenager today about what an awesome job he has done through his treatments and he should be very proud of himself. He could have complained and fought us and his parents every step of the way but he didn’t. He was compliant with his treatments. He has a great attitude and faith in God’s healing power. He turned to God for strength and courage. His family and friends prayed for him. He isn’t done yet. He faces surgery next and possibly a stem cell transplant. I am in awe of how my patients and their families take things in stride. They walk this life-threatening journey with grace and trust in God, just as Christ faced his journey knowing that he would be crucified but never losing faith in his Father. The parents trust us and place their child in our care, they hand them over to us knowing that God uses all things for His glory. 

Our Possessions

“He replied and said to him, ‘Teacher, all of these I have observed from my youth.’ Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, ‘You are lacking in one thing. Go, sell what you have, and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.’ At that statement his face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions.”  (Mark 10:20-22)

We don’t know how the story in today’s gospel ends. I’ve heard many priests in their homily speak about how the rich man chose his possessions over Christ, but we don’t know that. It just says that he went away sad. Maybe he just needed a little time to digest what Jesus was asking of him. He knew the Ten Commandments and he had been observing them from his youth. He desired to have eternal life, which is why he asked Jesus, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” We are the same way. We think we are on the right track, doing the things we have been taught. We follow the Commandments, live a life of charity, dedicate time for daily prayer, and receiving the sacraments of the Eucharist and Reconciliation frequently. But then God asks something of us that takes us off guard, he wants us to give up something that we cherish.  And like the rich man, we are sad that God is asking this of us and we need a little time to take it in.

The things that God is asking us to give up aren’t necessarily bad, things that are good can prevent us from completely surrendering to God. Maybe God has asked us to give up our dream of becoming a husband or wife and instead become a priest or religious. I’ve heard many priests share that when they first heard God calling them to the priesthood, they ignored God’s call. What God was asking of them wasn’t part of their plan for their life, and just like in today’s gospel, they were being called to give up something that they cherished, their dream. Maybe God is asking us to give up some of our possessions and trust Him when our spouse loses their job. Maybe we are being called to give up our habitual sin that we hold onto, or a relationship that we don’t want to let go of. We are all like the rich man in today’s gospel, we all cherish things that one day God will ask us to let go of and follow him, trust him completely. Last night, one of my patients died. God asked this single mother to let go of her youngest son whom she loved dearly. Her faith has been so strong through her son’s illness and impending death, praying for a miracle. But God’s perfect plan did not include her son being healed here on earth. And while she is devastated and heartbroken, she trusts the Lord. She let go of her precious son and continues to follow our Lord. 

Second Chances

“When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?’ He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ He said to him, ‘Feed my lambs.’ He then said to him a second time, ‘Simon, son of John, do you love me?’ He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.’ He said to him, ‘Tend my sheep.’ He said to him the third time, ‘Simon, son of John, do you love me?’ Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, ‘Do you love me?’ and he said to him, ‘Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.’ [Jesus] said to him, ‘Feed my sheep.’” (John 21:15-17)

This conversation takes place in John’s gospel after the disciples have been fishing all night and caught nothing. Before the disciples recognized that it was Jesus, he tells them to cast their net over the right side of the boat and the net is so full they are not able to pull it in. When Simon Peter hears that it is the Lord, he jumps into the sea and runs to shore. This was the third time that Jesus revealed himself to the disciples. It is obvious, through his action, that Peter loves the Lord. So it is distressing to him that Jesus asks him three times, “Do you love me?” some of the discomfort that Peter felt may have been from the fact that, Jesus asking him this question three times, reminded him of the three times that he denied Christ. For us, this passage is a reminder of Christ’s mercy. Each time that we deny Christ, that we turn our back on him and toward sin, we are also given the opportunity to once again profess our love for Christ. We are forgiven through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. We are given a second (and third, and forth, etc) chance to reclaim our love for Christ and again follow Him.

In yesterday’s gospel, Jesus wants us to know that the perfect love that God has for him, Jesus Christ, is the same love that can be in us. We are not capable of loving perfectly except with divine intervention. It is only when this perfect love is infused in us, that we are able to experience it. He has revealed to us who his Father is and now wants us to experience the perfect love that exists between him and his father, our Father. This perfect love that forgives all wrongs, that heals all wounds, that provides comfort during sorrow and courage during times of temptations. This perfect love counteracts each of our own denials of Christ. This loves sends us forth, just as it did Peter, to tend His sheep. To share this perfect love with all those that God places in our care. 

Giving and Receiving

“In every way I have shown you that by hard work of that sort we must help the weak, and keep in mind the words of the Lord Jesus who himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”  (Acts 20:35)

Paul is speaking to the elders of the Church and reminds them of the words of Christ. Jesus saying these words is recorded nowhere in the bible but they must have been familiar words to them for Paul to make this statement. In John’s gospel we are reminded, “There are also many other things that Jesus did, but if these were to be described individually, I do not think the whole world would contain the books that would be written.” (John 21:24) These words challenge us as many of Christ’s words do. He tells us in order to be first, we must be last; in order to live we must die and in order to be rich we must be poor. He calls us to love our enemies and forgive those who betray us.

Of all of the challenges that Christ calls us to, this one is fairly easy for me. I think my vocations as a mother and as a pediatric nurse help to make it easy. In both of these vocations you are always doing for others. At times I find myself being judgmental of others, wanting to know why they aren’t more giving of their time. For me the struggle is to receive; to not only receive help from others but even to receive love. It has been hard for me to even receive God’s love. Is it hard for me to receive love because for so long I found myself to be unlovable? Is it because I feel unworthy of love? Yet, we are all unworthy of God’s perfect love. It is pure gift and we must receive this gift in order to have life. It is easy for me to hold onto these chains that bind me and keep me stuck in darkness.

It takes courage and humility to come before God with all of our sin and weakness and allow Him to strip us of these things and bring us to a state of grace where we can receive his love without struggling or trying to hide in shame. “Receive my love,” I can hear God speaking these words to me. Once we are willing to receive His love than we can go out and share this love with others. Giving and receiving are both blessings because without receiving His love, we have nothing to give.

Compelled by the Spirit

“I earnestly bore witness for both Jews and Greeks to repentance before God and to faith in our Lord Jesus. But now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem. What will happen to me there I do not know, except that in one city after another the Holy Spirit has been warning me that imprisonment and hardships await me. Yet I consider life of no importance to me, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to bear witness to the Gospel of God’s grace.”  (Acts 20:21-24)

The Spirit of the one who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in us. We are children of God because of this Spirit that lives in each of us. We are commissioned to do the same work that Paul was commissioned to do, bear witness to the Gospel. Am I compelled by the Spirit? Do I allow the Spirit to move in me or do I impede his work? Am I led by my selfish desires or do I put aside my pride and say, “Here I am Lord”? Paul tells us that the Holy Spirit has been warning him that hardships and imprisonment await him, yet he continues to do what he is called to do. As disciples of Christ, we too face hardships because of our faith. But the Holy Spirit will remain with us. Christ didn’t leave us alone when he ascended into heaven. He is present in our lives each and every moment through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit speaks to us and we read in Romans, that the Spirit intercedes for us.

“The Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings.” (Romans 8:26)

We are nothing on our own so we shouldn’t try to do things on our own. All that is good comes from God. We fall into sin when we try to go it alone. I went to confession the other day and spoke to the priest about how I struggle so much with a particular sin and he reminded me of this very thing. He reminded me that I will never be able to overcome this sin, or any other sin, on my own. We need to call on the Holy Spirit during times of temptation and ask him to pour down his grace upon us. We need to make room for the Holy Spirit in our lives because it is in him that we live and breathe and have our being. We are able to live our life according to God’s plan when we are compelled by the Spirit. 

Finding Him

“It is he who gives to everyone life and breath and everything.” He ordered all things “so that people might seek God, even perhaps grope for him and find him, though indeed he is not far from any one of us. For ‘in him we live and move and have our being.’” (Acts 17:25, 27-28)

The words, “grope for him” bring to mind one that is in darkness grasping at anything. I have been that person. In the darkness I am full of fear and anxiety. I am desperate to find something, anything, to hold onto. I find something and cling to it. At first it appears to be good and it captures my heart but quickly I learn that it is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It brings me heartache and pain but this is better than the nothingness I had before, so I stay. He deceives me and leaves me abandoned in the darkness again. I begin to grope again. I cry out to Him to save me. He grasps my hand and pulls me from the deep. His light of love pierces the darkness and I see that he is near. I ask him, Lord, where were you? And he tells me, Child, I was always here with you. I will never leave you or forsake you. You know in your head my words to be true but you must also believe it in your heart. I know you are afraid of being hurt again, not sure of whom you can trust, but you can trust me. You are my precious daughter and I want you to experience my love to the fullest but it is up to you. I can’t make you trust me. Take my truth and make it your own. Block out the lies that try to drag you under. Draw your strength from me and stand firm against the tactics of the devil. You are right Lord, help me to trust in you completely. To let go of all the things that I try to find you in and instead to seek you where I know you will be found. Help me to look inward and find you in my heart and allow my heart to swell with your love. Help me to go forth and share your love with others especially those who are frightened and alone just as I was.

“I’ll be by your side whenever you fall, in the dead of night whenever you call. And please don’t fight these hands that are holding you, my hands are holding you. Because I love you, I want you to know, that I love you, I’ll never let you go.”  ~ Lyrics from By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North 

What Must I Do?

In today’s reading the jailer asks Paul and Silas, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” I often ask the same question. Wondering what I should be doing. And the words that Paul and Silas spoke to the jailer hold true for each of us, “’Believe in the Lord Jesus and you and your household will be saved.’ So they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to everyone in his house. He took them in at that hour of the night and bathed their wounds; then he and all the family were baptized at once. He brought them up into his house and provided a meal and with his household rejoiced at having come to faith in God.” (Acts 16:30-34)The one thing that the jailer had to do was to be open to the word of God.  We aren’t saved because of anything that we do. We are saved because out of love for us, God sent his only Son to die for us. He took our sins upon himself and destroyed death forever.

Being a disciple of Christ calls us to action. We are called to be his hands and feet and to spread the gospel to the ends of the earth. But these actions don’t save us they are part of what it means to be a disciple. In yesterday’s gospel Jesus tells us to keep his commandments and that by doing so we will remain in his love. Many people have rejected the commandments or treat them as irrelevant in our society today. They see them as just a list of things that we can’t do and we don’t like being told what we can or cannot do. But the commandments help us to live fully. They help us to love others as Christ loves us. Jesus even expounds on them, explaining that unjustified anger equates with murder and that lust is mental and emotional adultery. Being a disciple requires our entire being to be in union with Christ, all of our thoughts and actions should lead us to Christ. Jesus tells us that he remains in his Father’s love because he kept his Father’s commandments. He wants our joy to be complete. He reminds us again that, “It was not you who chose me but I who chose you.” (John 15:16) He chose us because he loves us, but we have to be open to his love. 

Sacred Space

I have been going to the Cistercian Abbey for daily Mass for a few months now. Yesterday was the 20^th Anniversary of the dedication of their chapel. On May 10, 1992 the key to the chapel was presented to Bishop Charles Grahmann and Abbot Denis. Yesterday's Mass was celebrated by Abbot Peter.  The readings for the Mass were chosen to celebrate this special anniversary. The first reading was from Revelation and spoke about the New Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God. The second reading was from 1 John and spoke about worship and experiencing the fullness of God’s redemption. And the gospel was about the Samaritan woman.“Jesus said to her, ‘Believe me, woman, the hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You people worship what you do not understand; we worship what we understand, because salvation is from the Jews. But the hour is coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and truth; and indeed the Father seeks such people to worship him. God is Spirit, and those who worship him must worship in Spirit and truth.’” (John 4:21-24)

We may take for granted the fact that there are so many Catholic churches in which we are able to worship. We are able to celebrate Mass every day and also spend time in these sacred places before the tabernacle or the Eucharist exposed for Adoration. Several times after work I have stopped by the chapel at Cistercian to spend some time alone with God in this sacred space. It is so beautiful and peaceful and I feel God’s presence. It gives me an opportunity to lay it all before Him especially when it has been a hard day at work. This particular chapel testifies to the ideals, courage, and determination of the Cistercian Order, especially the monks from the Abbey of Zirc who were forced to flee their homeland to ensure the survival of their tradition. The Cistercian Abbey will for centuries stand in tribute to the sacrifices they made and to the homeland they left behind. And will for centuries provide a place where we can worship God in Spirit and truth. 

His Healing Touch

Tonight I went to a Healing Mass and Service with a priest, Fr. Fernando Suarez, who has the gift of healing others with his touch. He discovered this gift at the age of 16 and struggled with it. But he learned to embrace it and now travels all over the world with his healing ministry. It was incredible how many people were there. The sanctuary was standing room only, there were rows of chairs in the hallway outside the sanctuary, and people standing and they also had another room with a big screen TV so the people in that room could see as well. There were so many in need and trusting in God’s healing power. Many had visible physical ailments, they were in wheelchairs, had walkers, or a cane; some had lost their hair due to chemotherapy, and some walked with a limp. I am sure there were many like me with physical pain due to a chronic illness and like me, there were many in need of healing of our heart, mind and soul. “O LORD, my God, I cried out to you and you healed me.”  (Psalm 30:3)

The crowds reminded me of Jesus and how often there were crowds of people trying to get near him so that they could be healed.  It reminded me of the man lowered through the roof by his friends because there was no other way to get to Jesus. They allowed people to mention how they had been healed tonight and Fr. Shannon just kept reminding us that it wasn’t Fr. Suarez who was healing but Christ. How difficult it must be for Fr. Suarez to remain humble. I know how easy it is to take credit when things are going well instead of giving God the glory. Several years ago during his homily, a priest was talking about how this couple came to talk to him because they were unable to conceive and were considering in-vitro fertilization. He went on to say that after he prayed over them that she became pregnant. He was bragging how he had done this, never once giving God the glory. Last year I had a large nodule on my thyroid that needed to be biopsied. I received the Anointing of the Sick prior to going to the hospital for my biopsy. They began the sonogram to locate the nodule and could not find it. At first I tried to figure out how this could have happened in a human way, someone must have made a mistake, instead of immediately realizing it was divine intervention. I did give glory to God but ashamed to admit that it wasn’t my first reaction. When I shared the news with Fr. Jason he immediately acknowledged that it was the Holy Spirit through the Sacrament that had healed me. Since then I have become less of a skeptic and more of a believer in God’s healing power. And that he uses our hands to deliver this healing touch.

“Many signs and wonders were done among the people at the hands of the apostles. Thus they even carried the sick out into the streets and laid them on cots and mats so that when Peter came by, at least his shadow might fall on one or another of them. A large number of people from the towns in the vicinity of Jerusalem also gathered, bringing the sick and those disturbed by unclean spirits, and they were all cured.” (Acts 5:12, 15-16) 

Remain in Me

"Jesus said to his disciples: 'I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower. He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit, and every one that does he prunes so that it bears more fruit. You are already pruned because of the word that I spoke to you. Remain in me, as I remain in you. Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me will be thrown out like a branch and wither; people will gather them and throw them into a fire and they will be burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you. By this is my Father glorified, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.'" (John 15:1-8)

“Remain in me.” You think that would be an easy thing to do, and something that we would all want to do. Jesus reminds us over and over how he will sustain us if we would only choose to remain in him. “Whoever drinks the water I shall give will never thirst.” (John 4:14) He wants us to let go of all the things that weigh us down and take his yoke upon us, “My yoke is easy and my burden light.” (Matt 11:30) Remaining in him is an active decision. It is one we must make every day. There are so many things in this world that tug at us. They tug at the parts of us that want affirmation and love, the parts of us that want instant gratification, a quick fix. This is where the pruning comes in. We cannot bear the fruit of Christ’s love unless we are pruned of our sin, our vices, our addictions, our selfishness and indifference. We can’t bear the fruit of God’s mercy and forgiveness until we are pruned of our judgmental attitude, our unforgiveness and our pride. Some of these things have become so ingrained in us; have become our defense mechanisms or things we cling to. And allowing God to rid us of these will be painful.

God loves us where we are at but he doesn’t want us to remain there. The small fruits that we bear right now are just the beginning. In order to bear more fruit, pruning is required. But Christ promises us that he will remain in us. It is only through his grace that we can become anything that is good. This weekend at my parish the children received their first Holy Communion. This is one of the few sacraments that we can receive over and over. It is a way for us to receive Christ into ourselves and the grace needed to remain united with him. Not only can we receive it every Sunday, but every day. I have found that attending daily Mass provides me with the grace I need to get through each day. At the end of the day, no matter how difficult it has been; no matter how many times I have fallen into sin, I know that in the morning I will again be forgiven of my sins and sustained with the Body of our Lord, Jesus Christ. It strengthens me and allows me to remain in Christ, which in turn, glorifies the Father. 

Many Dwelling Places

"’Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; have faith also in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be. Where I am going you know the way.’ Thomas said to him, ‘Master, we do not know where you are going; how can we know the way?’  Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:1-6)

Thomas and the other disciples are anxious because of Jesus’ words. Jesus has told them that he will be leaving them but they do not understand. Jesus knows that they have faith in God and he is asking them to have faith in him, also. So many times I have heard these same words spoken to me by our Lord and Savior. “Kelly, do not let your heart be troubled, have faith in me.” Jesus loves us so much. He would never abandon us. The disciples are grieving over Jesus’ words. Why is he going to leave them, why is he going to abandon them? They couldn’t see the bigger picture, but Christ knows and he is offering them comfort.  It is through him, and him alone, that we will have a place in our Father’s house. It is because of his complete love for us that he laid down his life.

This gospel reminded me of a conversation that we had with a family yesterday at work, a conversation that we have had with many families. We were talking to a mother about her son dying. There are no more treatments to stop his cancer from growing. We were talking to this mom about she can help her 9 year old son through the dying process. We were explaining that often times a child is worried about his/her parents or other family members. They see their parents’ grief and they want to protect them. Their suffering goes on until the parent gives their child permission to die and lets them know that they will be ok. This is one of the hardest things that God can ask a parent to do, give their child permission to die and trust that God will get them through their grief.  Death was never part of God’s original plan but because of sin, death came to be. And because of God’s love for us, he sent his Son to die for our sins and gain eternal life for us. But in order for us to be with our King, we must die. The faith that I have witnessed in children is incredible. They know that Christ has prepared a dwelling place for them and that they will be with their parents again one day. It is this hope that allows us to give our loved ones permission to die and go to the place that Jesus has prepared for them. 

Successful Work

Lord, give success to the work of our hands. 

How appropriate these words of Tuesday’s Responsorial Psalm were to me. I desperately want God to use my hands to successfully care for his children with cancer. How desperately I want to partake in their healing especially on days like Monday. But that night I just found myself angry and asking, “Why, why, why?” I wasn’t angry at God or any one in particular, I was just angry about the situations I faced that day. One minute I was walking into the room with great news only to find out that it appeared that my patient’s tumor was bigger. My whole mindset and the atmosphere of the room took on a whole new dimension. I had to remain calm and arrange for some tests to confirm my suspicions while inside I was crying out to God and I was fighting to hold back the tears. I had to help the dad to not panic and help his son who is wondering why his dad is suddenly so upset. I know there are many measures of success and that in any situation God can bring good from it but the measure that I want and that the family wants is that we can get rid of their child’s cancer completely and with minimal sequela. I know that God desires each of us to be whole and healed but in our broken world there are many times that it doesn’t happen. But God is always with us. He is there offering us His peace even in the midst of suffering and pain, shock and disbelief.

After a hard beginning to the week I got a reprieve today. It was the annual Children’s Cancer Fund Fashion Show. Our patients get to walk the runway in beautiful new clothes they got to choose and walk with celebrities in order to raise money for childhood cancer research.  My fellow co-workers and I get to see the fruits of our labor. About 50 patients participate in the fashion show. Some of the patients are as many as 15 years off therapy and some are still in the midst of the battle. It was truly a blessed day. Most of the celebrities were wonderful with the kids signing autographs, taking pictures with them and giving them undivided attention. I am thankful for the generosity of so many people who attended the show so that we can fund more research and someday eradicate cancer all together. God always provides that reprieve when things are so hard and all you can do is cry out, “why?” There may not be an answer to the question but there is always His presence.