Remaining at Peace

“When the soul does what it can to fulfill its daily obligations and steer its bark as it should, abandoning itself to God, he visits it with his inspirations, at first latent and confused, which if well received, become more frequent, more insistent and luminous. Then, amidst the joyful and painful events of life, the clash of temperaments, in times of spiritual dryness, amidst the snares of the devil or of men, their suspicion and their jealousies, the soul in its higher regions at any rate remains always at peace. It enjoys this serenity because it is intimately persuaded that God is guiding it and, in abandoning itself to him, it seeks only to do his will and nothing more." ~ Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, O.P.

These beautiful words by Fr. Reginald were the source of my meditation last night. I would like to say that his words describe my soul. I wish I could say that my soul is at peace when the events in my life are difficult; when lies are spoken about me or my love is rejected. But this isn’t always the case. I do better when the trials are physical, like dealing with my health issues and the constant physical pain that I am in. Somehow, I feel like I have some control over them, maybe not control over the disease process itself, but some control over the symptoms. I’ve been at peace with my husband being out of work and unable to find a job for the past 8 months and no potential prospects either. At times, I have been surprised by how calm I feel because anxiety is something that I struggle with. A year ago, when there was talk that his company was going to shut down, I was so anxious. How were we going to pay our bills with only half of our income when at times we struggled to pay them with two paychecks? But the Lord got us through, and continues to get us through. At these moments of calm, I always stop and give thanks to God because I know that this peace comes from him. I give thanks that we are able to make ends meet and keep our home. I am grateful that I have a good job and good insurance. This change in our income has actually brought our family closer together.

Where I still struggle with peace, though, is with emotional struggles. I have a hard time letting go. I’ve had people tell me that sometimes God allows people in our lives for only a short time and it is his desire that it is only for a short time. This is where I have trouble surrendering to his will. I sometimes cling to people and don’t want to let them go. I pour so much energy into trying to “save” the relationship. I’m willing to forgive hurts and I really try to make it work but when that is not God’s plan for the relationship, then it just causes me a lot of heartache. Dear Lord, you know how I had to battle my fears and anxiety (sometimes it was terror) in order for my relationship with my dad to begin to heal. I know you desired us to have a relationship even when others told me I was crazy to be alone with him. In the midst of all of it there was so much pain and sometimes I doubted that it was your will. But now that I am on the other side of that I can see that your hand was in it all along. I thought this was the case with the relationship that I am struggling with now. I thought it was your desire for there to be reconciliation since you allowed our paths to cross again but I know it isn’t the case. You allowed our paths to cross so that I can see that I am stronger than I think I am and to realize that sometimes you have to let go and quit hoping that it will work out. You want me see that when I quit looking back at the way it used to be and quit wondering what went wrong, then I can look toward the blessings you are providing me with right now and when I surrender this to you, I will find peace. Give me the wisdom to discern your will in these situations. Help me to know when to fight for a relationship and when to let it go. Help me to do only your will and nothing more.

Precious Tears

“Mary Magdalene stayed outside the tomb weeping. And as she wept, she bent over into the tomb and saw two angels in white sitting there, one at the head and one at the feet where the Body of Jesus had been. And they said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping?’ She said to them, ‘They have taken my Lord, and I don't know where they laid him.’ When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus there, but did not know it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?’" (John 20:11-15)

Sometimes during our life we have trouble recognizing Jesus, just as Mary did, especially when we are weighed down by grief. Even though we know that Jesus put an end to death through his passion and resurrection, here on earth we still experience death. When someone we love dies our heart aches and sometimes we wonder how we will be able to go on. How am I supposed to go on without my child? Without my child that I carried in my womb for 9 months, nursed and nurtured throughout the years and had torn from my life without warning? How am I supposed to go on without my spouse that I was married to for 53 years? Without my spouse to whom I have become one with, who knows my thoughts and can finish my sentences for me?  The one who knows all my quirks and faults and loves me anyway?

We may not be able to recognize that our Lord is there with us in the darkness, but he is. And he is there in the love and support of our friends and family even though nothing they say will make it better, their presence is also Christ’s presence. Jesus himself wept over the death of his friend, Lazarus, even though he knew that he would raise him from the dead and knew that he would put an end to death with his passion and resurrection. Having faith in our Lord and the promise of eternal life does not negate the profound pain of these deep losses but it does provide us with the hope necessary to keep us from despair. Jesus knows the importance of needing love and support during our grief and that those in mourning need his physical presence through the gift of self from others. That is why he teaches us to care for the widow because without her spouse she is lost and hurting. He instructs us to care for those who mourn. The Lord is aware of each tear that we shed and they are precious to him. Our pain is real, our grief is profound and until we ourselves are united with our loved ones who have gone before us and our King, he will hold us in the palm of his hand and our tears are recorded in his book.

“Are my tears not stored in your vial, recorded in your book?” (Psalm 56:9)

He is Risen

“’They have taken the Lord from the tomb, and we don’t know where they put him’... When Simon Peter arrived after him, he went into the tomb and saw the burial cloths there, and the cloth that had covered his head, not with the burial cloths but rolled up in a separate place. Then the other disciple also went in, the one who had arrived at the tomb first, and he saw and believed.”  (John 20:2, 6-8)

Mary of Magdala thought someone had taken the Lord’s body. She was distraught and ran to Simon Peter and John, telling them of this terrible incident. When Simon Peter and John got to the tomb and saw the burial clothes, they knew that no one had taken the Lord, but that he had risen from the dead. They began to put together all the things that Jesus had been telling them as he prepared them for his death. It all began to make sense.

The Lord is risen from the dead! He went to the depths of hell for our sins and destroyed death, once and for all. He did this for all mankind, this gift is freely given to all who are willing to accept this gift and believe in our Lord, Jesus Christ. Saint Paul reminds us, “Brothers and sisters: If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth.” (Colossians 3:1-2) Our sights are to always be on what is above. He is our guiding light in this broken world. God did not abolish sin, or suffering. There will always be people that are lonely, hungry, scared, abused, suffering and sick. But none of these things have power over the love of Christ. We are called to follow Christ through death to our own resurrection which he claimed through his death and resurrection. He conquered death and unlocked for us the path to eternity. The hope that God brought into this world on Easter will always reign! So through all the hardships that we will face in this life, we keep our eyes on Him who is seated at the right hand of the Father. Through love, we share the burdens of those around us and encourage them to remain hopeful in the promises of Christ.

The Lord is truly risen, Alleluia! To him be all glory, praise and honor through all eternity, Alleluia!

Holy Saturday

“Christ strode through the gate of our final loneliness; in his Passion he went down into the abyss of our abandonment. Where no voice can reach us any longer, there he is. Hell is thereby overcome, or, to be more accurate, death, which was previously hell, is hell no longer. Neither is the same any longer because there is life in the midst of death, because love dwells in it.”  ~ Pope Benedict XVI 

Jesus’ death was the example of perfect love. He died for me, to free me from the grip of death and sin so that I may one day live with him in his heavenly kingdom. He did this for each and every one of us. He never once looked with hate upon those who scorned him, those who beat him, those who betrayed him and turned their back on him. He endured each strike to his body in silence. He was obedient to the end out of love for his Father and out of love for each of us.

This morning when I woke up I felt this sadness and as I reflected on it I realized it was because I miss my mom. This sadness began yesterday evening after the Good Friday service. My mom loved Easter and I realized how much I miss her. And during my walk this morning as I prayed and gave thanks for all my blessings, I thought of our Mother, Mary. How devastated she must have felt waking up this morning and realizing that it wasn’t just a nightmare that she experienced but something even more devastating. The brutal death of her son was a reality. It took me back to July 16^th, 1975 when my brother Mitchell was killed in a car accident. When my parents came home from identifying his body, their profound grief was visible. I was only 11 years old and didn’t realize the true impact this had on my parents. This was my first experience with the death of someone that I loved. Mitchell and Mark were identical twins, they had just graduated from high school and when Mitchell died, a part of Mark died too. I am sure Mary’s arms ached to hold her son again just as my mom’s arms ached to hold her son one last time, to tell him how much she loved him. She would have traded her life for his in a heartbeat.

Twenty-two years ago tomorrow I gave birth to my son, Matthew. He was born on Palm Sunday which I thought was pretty wonderful but to be celebrating his birthday this year on Easter Sunday makes it even more joyous. We will be celebrating the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior as well as the birthday of my son. Today has been a day to give thanks for all my blessings. I give thanks for the gift of faith that was instilled in me by my parents who saw the importance of getting all nine of us children to Mass every Sunday and for the sacrifices they made so that we could attend Catholic schools. I give thanks for my home which we are able to keep even with the loss of half of our income; a home that is filled with so much love. Thank you Lord for the gift of health for each of my family members; for a vocation where I am called to care for your little ones, and to walk with their families as they deal with their child’s diagnosis of cancer. My blessings are too numerous to mention here but I am glad for the opportunity to reflect on them this Holy Saturday. In a few hours I will be attending the Easter Vigil Mass to support my candidate as she is welcomed into the Church. I give thanks for the amazing RCIA program at St. Ann Parish where I have learned about and grown stronger in my faith along with each of the Catechumens and candidates during this process.

As our Lord lies in his tomb this day, may we spend some time reflecting on his gift of self and for putting an end to death so that we may reign with him some day in the heavenly Jerusalem. Amen. 

The Washing of Feet

“When the Lord of the world comes and undertakes the slave’s task of foot-washing – which is an illustration of the way he washes our feet all through our lives – we have a totally different picture. God doesn’t want to trample us, but kneels down before us so as to exalt us. The mystery of the greatness of God is seen precisely in the fact that he can be small… Only when power is changed from the inside, and we accept Jesus and his way of life, whose whole self is there in the action of foot-washing, only then can the world be healed and the people be able to live at peace with one another.”  ~ Pope Benedict XVI 

If our Lord and Savior humbled himself and washed the feet of his disciples, how can we expect that anything less is expected of us? Jesus washed the feet of Judas Iscariot knowing that he would betray him. He washed the feet of Peter knowing that he would deny him. He did it out of love because he is love. The Lord will always present himself as he is no matter who or what he encounters. His love is pure and without limits. He calls us to do the same; to love until the end. Just imagine what the world would be like if we lived as Christ calls us to live. We will never be able to love perfectly because we are broken, wounded, sinners. But even if we strive to love as Christ loved the world would be a much better place. What if we loved those who betrayed us or denied our presence?

I am sure after Peter denied our Lord he was crushed, the magnitude of his sin weighing him down. Remembering how he protested Jesus washing his feet, and proclaiming that he would never deny him. The words of Christ pounding in his ears, “What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later.”  (John 13: 7) These are the words I need to remind myself of when I don’t understand why something is happening in my life especially when I protest against God because it is happening. But God uses everything for his glory. Recalling how the Lord lovingly washed his feet knowing that Peter would deny him provides Peter with an example of how he is called to be compassionate toward others. The action of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples is more than just an example of his humility but is the beginning of his prefect obedience to his Father. “Jesus knew that his hour had come to pass from this world to the Father.” (John 13:1) He gave of himself completely to the end. We are to give of ourselves completely to the circumstances in our life whatever they may be. It may be putting our spouse and children before us. It may be living out the gospel in our workplace rather than allowing power or prestige to be what drives us. Or maybe our obedience to the Father is brought about when we are nailed to the cross with Christ and trusting that he has not abandoned us. 

Uniting Ourselves with Christ

I love today’s gospel with Mary anointing the feet of Jesus and drying them with her hair. What a beautiful act of love and humility. She is criticized for her actions, using this expensive oil, three hundred day’s wages, to anoint the feet of Christ. But Jesus comes to her defense. He tells Judas to leave her alone and again speaks of his impending death. Jesus defends Mary just as he defends the outcast, the lowly, the leper, the lame, the brokenhearted, those persecuted because of him and all those in bondage. This is why he came.

As we enter into Holy Week, are we willing to journey with Christ on the road to Calvary? Are we ready to enter into his suffering and his crucifixion and be truly united with him? I’ve read this question (or similar ones) in many places the past few days. What does it really mean? How can we enter into Christ’s crucifixion? One way is to meditate on the Stations of the Cross. We see the great love of laying down one’s life for another. We hope that somehow we may come to know the price of our redemption. While the cross has become a symbol of hope for Christians, it should also disturb our conscience. God endured this torturous death because of our sins, my sins. It is my sin that drove the nails into his wrists, my sin that pierced his side from which his blood poured out for my redemption.

Christ made the Cross a sign of God’s saving love for all humanity. As we unite with him we pray for the courage necessary to walk this journey with him. We are called to carry each other’s burdens so we pray to be Christ to others. We ask God to not allow us to turn away from those who are crushed by the cross of illness, loneliness, hunger, grief or shame. But to lift up the weight of their cross and place it on our shoulder and extend a hand to raise them up again. 

No Holding Back

Today is Palm Sunday and I was reflecting on what Jesus must have felt like knowing what was in store for him. He enters the city of Jerusalem being hailed by the people, “Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Blessed is the kingdom of our father David that is to come! Hosanna in the highest! (Mark 11:9-10) Yet he knows that in a few days, these same people will be yelling, “Crucify him!”  What a dramatic turn in just a few days.

During my reflection what came to mind was one of my patients. It is frightening for anyone to get the diagnosis of cancer. There is so much unknown. Am I going to die? How is the chemotherapy going to make me feel? And for a teenager there are even more questions. What will people think of me? Will they be afraid to be around me? Will they stare at me when I lose my hair? Can I continue doing the things I love to do? Will I be able to go to prom? Will I be able to graduate? One of my patients was diagnosed in November of her junior year of high school. She underwent chemotherapy, a huge surgery to remove a large part of her right femur where the tumor was and it was replaced with a metal prosthesis. She underwent grueling physical therapy to learn how to walk again. After completing 10 months of chemotherapy and recovering from her surgery she endured radiation to her lungs. She endured all of this with such grace. She never complained, she reached out to others kids when they were diagnosed with cancer so that they would know they were not alone. And through all of this she was able to keep up with her school work and graduated with her class in 2011. A few months later she slipped and fell in a department store banging up her left leg and had this persistent pain. At first we attributed it to the fall because the pain was in her other leg, not where the cancer had been. But when the pain did not go away we did a MRI and found a large tumor in her left leg. We were all devastated. Her type of cancer usually comes back in the same place or spreads to the lungs. You don’t get another large tumor at a completely different place in your body! We knew that we were facing a huge battle.

This is why she came to mind when I was reflecting on Christ. She knew how grueling this road was going to be. She knew the pain she would endure. She knew the devastation that her body would experience; the hair loss, the nausea, vomiting, fatigue and pain. She knew she would experience the loneliness, the hospital stays, and the radiation treatments. She also knew that she would see the terror in her parents’ face and would once again try to comfort her mom when she couldn’t hold back her tears. Yet, just as Christ did, she took up her cross and never once complained. She was confident in God’s love for her and knew that he would never abandon her. Even as her cancer continued to spread despite the treatments she received, her trust in God was never shaken. I was blessed to spend a little time with her a few hours before she died. We made a home visit and she was so glad to be in her own bedroom surrounded by her family. She was confident that she would soon be with her King and no longer have to suffer. She was an amazing young woman and I am so thankful that I was blessed to share in a small part of her life. I pray that God gives me the strength to bear my crosses with a hint of the grace that I witnessed in my patient.

Heavenly Father, help me to draw closer to your Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ, during this Holy Week. With reverence, help me to enter into the events of this week, to reflect deeply on His suffering and death which he bore for my sins so that I may share in his resurrection and new life. Help me to take up my cross daily with joy, knowing that I am doing your will. Amen.