Remaining at Peace

“When the soul does what it can to fulfill its daily obligations and steer its bark as it should, abandoning itself to God, he visits it with his inspirations, at first latent and confused, which if well received, become more frequent, more insistent and luminous. Then, amidst the joyful and painful events of life, the clash of temperaments, in times of spiritual dryness, amidst the snares of the devil or of men, their suspicion and their jealousies, the soul in its higher regions at any rate remains always at peace. It enjoys this serenity because it is intimately persuaded that God is guiding it and, in abandoning itself to him, it seeks only to do his will and nothing more." ~ Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, O.P.

These beautiful words by Fr. Reginald were the source of my meditation last night. I would like to say that his words describe my soul. I wish I could say that my soul is at peace when the events in my life are difficult; when lies are spoken about me or my love is rejected. But this isn’t always the case. I do better when the trials are physical, like dealing with my health issues and the constant physical pain that I am in. Somehow, I feel like I have some control over them, maybe not control over the disease process itself, but some control over the symptoms. I’ve been at peace with my husband being out of work and unable to find a job for the past 8 months and no potential prospects either. At times, I have been surprised by how calm I feel because anxiety is something that I struggle with. A year ago, when there was talk that his company was going to shut down, I was so anxious. How were we going to pay our bills with only half of our income when at times we struggled to pay them with two paychecks? But the Lord got us through, and continues to get us through. At these moments of calm, I always stop and give thanks to God because I know that this peace comes from him. I give thanks that we are able to make ends meet and keep our home. I am grateful that I have a good job and good insurance. This change in our income has actually brought our family closer together.

Where I still struggle with peace, though, is with emotional struggles. I have a hard time letting go. I’ve had people tell me that sometimes God allows people in our lives for only a short time and it is his desire that it is only for a short time. This is where I have trouble surrendering to his will. I sometimes cling to people and don’t want to let them go. I pour so much energy into trying to “save” the relationship. I’m willing to forgive hurts and I really try to make it work but when that is not God’s plan for the relationship, then it just causes me a lot of heartache. Dear Lord, you know how I had to battle my fears and anxiety (sometimes it was terror) in order for my relationship with my dad to begin to heal. I know you desired us to have a relationship even when others told me I was crazy to be alone with him. In the midst of all of it there was so much pain and sometimes I doubted that it was your will. But now that I am on the other side of that I can see that your hand was in it all along. I thought this was the case with the relationship that I am struggling with now. I thought it was your desire for there to be reconciliation since you allowed our paths to cross again but I know it isn’t the case. You allowed our paths to cross so that I can see that I am stronger than I think I am and to realize that sometimes you have to let go and quit hoping that it will work out. You want me see that when I quit looking back at the way it used to be and quit wondering what went wrong, then I can look toward the blessings you are providing me with right now and when I surrender this to you, I will find peace. Give me the wisdom to discern your will in these situations. Help me to know when to fight for a relationship and when to let it go. Help me to do only your will and nothing more.