In His Mercy

“We often think, if only I had known such and such was going to happen, I could have avoided so much heartache. If we knew in advance all the heartbreak and the disappointments, the unfulfilled dreams and the unrealized hopes, the inconsolable griefs that awaited us-could we find the courage to venture into the future at all? Sometimes it is the mercy of God that does not reveal everything to us.”  (From the book, Healing Prayer by Barbara Shlemon Ryan)

I read these words recently and I was reminded of them yesterday when I met a new family at the hospital. The girl I met was diagnosed with cancer just 2 weeks ago. I was reading through some of the notes written by other staff to learn a little more about her and I came across a note that stated her 18 year old sister was killed in a car accident just 2 weeks before this girl’s diagnosis of cancer. Would her parents have had the courage to venture out into the future just a month ago knowing that one of their daughters would be dead and another one dealing with cancer? Why does one family have to deal with both of these tragedies, and especially only 2 weeks apart? I know we aren’t supposed to ask God why? But I do sometimes.

I thought about these words when I was reflecting on recent events in my own life. Would I have entered into this friendship if I knew the heartache I would be feeling now? I think I would because along with the heartache there was much joy and love as well. If I hadn't entered into this friendship, I wouldn’t have had someone walk by my side through my mother’s illness and death the way he did. I wouldn’t have received the words of comfort that he spoke to me when work was so hard and I wondered if I could deal with another death. I wouldn’t have the memories of him coming to dinner at our house or the gift of him walking throughout our home blessing each room with holy water. I wouldn’t have the memories of him bringing communion to me when I was recovering from surgery. And most of all I would not have experienced the peace of Christ that I did when he heard my confession. These things may not have meant much to him but our friendship was very real to me. And that is why I won’t allow his hurtful words and actions to take away that joy. But I have realized that I need to let it go. All of the “if only” have to be put to rest.

I thank God for his mercy and not revealing to me what lie ahead because then I may not have experienced these things. I may have let my fear keep me in darkness. The love that grew out of our friendship will never be replaced by the hurt. Heavenly Father, I thank you for your wisdom and mercy. You know that my fears and anxiety would have overwhelmed me and prevented me from experiencing all that you have in store for me. I trust in you, Lord, and I ask that you give it all to me. Give me the heartaches and disappointments; all the unfulfilled dreams and the inconsolable grief. This is what it means to love fully. Amongst all the suffering there is joy, love and peace and most of all, our suffering will be resurrected with your Son because of your perfect love for each one of us.