Hard Teachings

“As a result of this, many of his disciples returned to their former way of life and no longer accompanied him. Jesus then said to the Twelve, ‘Do you also want to leave?’ Simon Peter answered him, ‘Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of everlasting life. We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.”’ (John 6:66-69)

The reason that many of his disciples returned to their former way of life was because they found Jesus’ teaching hard. It is here in the gospel of John that Jesus has given his Bread of Life Discourse. He has told the people, “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless you eat of the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life and I will raise him on the last day.” (John 6:53-54) I have never struggled with the belief that the bread and wine become the body and blood of Jesus Christ during the consecration. I know this was a stumbling block for some of the disciples in Jesus’ time and continues to be a stumbling block for many today. But there are other things that I have struggled with.

Several times this week, during my homework for the Biblical School and tonight at Adoration, one of my struggles rose up in me again. I am stronger now and not pulled under by the lie, but I get frustrated at myself that it is even able to pierce my heart at all. For most of my life I have felt like I was broken, too broken to ever be whole again. And through my healing these past eight years I have been reminded over and over, by God through scripture and prayer, by priests, my counselor, and close friends who know my history, that I am not forever broken. I’m not “dirty” like I believed for so long. The blood of Christ has made we white as snow. His blood has cleansed me from my sins and the sins of others that lead me to believe these things about myself.  There have been times that I have wanted to run away from God and go back to my darkness because it is what I knew for so long and I was comfortable with it. It takes every ounce of my being to stand in God’s truth and not turn back to my former way of life, living in darkness and shame. For me, the teaching that has been hard is that God loves me and that I am his precious daughter and I have been made in His image and likeness. And nothing that I do will ever change that. No matter how often I turn my back on him, no matter how much I resist his love and no matter how many times I fall into sin. I have a heart for God, but that same heart sometimes still believes that I am unclean. My heart reverts back to the heart of my childhood that was full of fear, pain, shame and doubt. These moments of shame and doubt are few and far between now but until they cease to occur, I pray for the strength to stand in God’s light and not revert back to my life of darkness. 

Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. It is only in Him that the truth, once and for all, will cast out those demons from my head that keep taunting me with their lies. It is only in Him that I can live in the freedom of his love instead of the pain and shame. He is the only way to be made whole, for it is his blood that claimed victory over sin and death for each of us. He is the Holy One of God.