Measuring Stick

When meditating on today’s gospel I was reflecting on where I fit into Jesus’ parable. I want to be the tax collector, coming before the Lord in perfect humility. Knowing that I have greatly sinned against God and others. Admitting my sin and even though I am unworthy, begging God to be merciful because I trust in his goodness. There are many times, though, that I am more like the Pharisee. As humans we like measuring sticks. Just like the Pharisee, we think we are better than others because we don’t commit adultery or lie. We follow the rules, we go to Mass every Sunday, we tithe and even throw in extra money when there is a second collection, and we abstain from meat on Fridays.

But for Christ there are no measuring sticks. During this Lenten season we are reminded that there is no limit to the number of times we are to forgive. We aren’t called to just love our neighbor but to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. The Lord wants all of us. He wants us to quit keeping a tally of the good things we have done and the wrongs that have been committed against us. This week has been very hard and I keep asking God, “why”? I look back over what has happened and make note of the things I have done and the things he did (especially to me). I wonder how I am going to get through this and why I am the one who has to walk away. But God has reminded me that I am not doing this alone. He wants me to let go of all of it because I will never make sense of it. People who think they have no reason to be forgiven are also the most unforgiving people. They are full of pride and don’t care that they wound others. There is nothing I can do to change that stony heart. Only God can do that and only when the person is ready to be like the tax collector in today’s gospel and humbly go before God with a contrite heart.

Jesus withheld nothing from his Father and he withholds nothing from us. He gives his very self, without limit and without end. He asks us to do the same. He wants me to drop everything I am holding onto, most especially the pain, and to fall into his love. His perfect plan is far beyond anything I can imagine.

Christ’s Presence

“Christ is present in each one of our brothers. There is no encounter in which we do not encounter him; no solitude in which he does not join us; no silence where his voice is not heard deepening, rather than troubling, that silence.” ~ Francois Mauriac

These words are from today’s meditation in Magnificat. During this Lenten season I have found myself seeking out more time alone with our Lord. After daily Mass I spend a few minutes in one of the alcoves at St. Monica’s before our Blessed Mother. At work I spend my breaks in the chapel in silence. I’ve been doing the Stations of the Cross almost every day. Each time I have done them I have been alone. You’d think with how big St. Ann’s is that I would run into others but I have always had the courtyard to myself. Even last night the chapel was empty. I am so thankful for these times alone with Christ reflecting on his Passion. It has helped me through my struggles and rather than feeling alone I feel his presence all around me.

There is “no silence where his voice is not heard deepening, rather than troubling, that silence.” Sometimes I feel that his silence is troubling instead of deepening his presence. I cry out but there is only a deafening silence. I beg for him to make himself present to me. After my tears are shed and I feel spent. After I am through struggling, I feel his peace enveloping me. Why do I continue to struggle against him? Why do I make things more difficult instead of trusting in him completely?

Heavenly Father, thank you for your patience with me. For standing beside me while I battle with myself and my demons and then for pouring out your love upon me and healing my wounds. Deepen my love for you and my trust in your infinite wisdom, your perfect plan. Amen.

A Stumbling Block to Many

“Brothers and sisters: Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who are called, Jews and Greeks alike, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” (1 Corinthians 1:22-25)

Because the cross does not follow human reason, it is an obstacle, a scandal, a stumbling block to many. The cross divides humankind into two parts, those who reject it and those who accept its message and are experiencing the power of God. Suffering, the message of the cross, is certainly one of the greatest human mysteries. This mystery, expressed in Jesus’ passion, is at the center of the gospel preaching. As humans, we want to solve this mystery. Some see suffering as a punishment for sin and others believe innocent suffering reveals an unjust God. Even those of us who believe in Jesus Christ still stumble. At times we fall back into trying to earn God’s acceptance. We think our goodness will earn for us freedom from suffering and hardship-true salvation. However, the Cross of Christ rejects our self-sufficiency, our best efforts are intrinsically selfish and it declares our efforts null and void.

The cross declares our need for a savior. The cross is our most precious treasure because it frees us from ourselves. We look upon our suffering Savior and realize that our sins and selfishness put him there. That ultimately, Jesus is bearing on the cross our just punishment for our sins. Our own selfishness, our desire to be first and foremost, our self-absorption, self-concern, and self-conceit put Jesus there. The cross breaks us of our pride as we witness God’s love poured out in Christ. He took our place, bore our sins and died our death. The cross does not have to be a stumbling block. The cross is mine and your most precious treasure. The love of God is displayed in all its glory there. “He indeed died for all, so that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” (2 Corinthians 5:15)

They Plot Against Me

We may harshly judge the mother of the two sons of Zebedee. What nerve this woman had to command Jesus that her sons sit at his right and left in the kingdom of heaven!  But we often do the same especially in our thoughts. We look at others and think we are holier than they are and deserve special recognition from God. We think others are selfish with their time because they don’t make time to do the acts of charity that we do. But if we are keeping score than our actions mean nothing! We may judge those who are wealthy or successful thinking they don’t deserve it, or feel sorry for myself because I deserve it, not them. Just because we don’t verbalize our thoughts, our hearts are full of indignation just as the disciples’ were. 

In the first reading, Jeremiah is calling out to God, his enemies are plotting against him and they want to destroy him. They are going to do it by carefully noting everything he says and try to use his words to ruin him.  This reading was a wakeup call to me this time last year. A priest had hurt me deeply and I found my heart growing bitter. His homilies and meditations that were once a source of inspiration had become an opportunity for me to seek out his hypocrisy and I wanted to prove him wrong. I wanted his followers to know that he is not the wonderful person that they all think he is. I wanted to knock him off the pedestal that he had been placed upon by so many people. And while I never let others know what I was feeling, these feelings were eating away at my soul. My heart was full of anger and hatred and I was being consumed by sin. Those words from Jeremiah were a slap in the face; I was doing the very thing that the people of Judah were doing. I immediately felt full of shame and prayed for a change of heart. I went to confession seeking God’s mercy. And while it was hard to see I could be that heartless, I thanked God for opening my eyes to a side of me that I never knew I had. I always thought of myself as compassionate and accepting of others.

I am so thankful that I am in a better place. Whenever I pray the Our Father, I especially focus on the words, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  I certainly don’t want God’s forgiveness to be measured by my forgiveness of this person. I pray for God to help me to love as He loves and to burn away all that is not of Him. God has allowed our paths to cross again and my heart is filled with peace. I can listen to his homilies without judgment and am even inspired at times.

Strength for the Journey

Jesus has already begun to reveal to his disciples that he will suffer greatly, be rejected by the elders, chief priests and the scribes, be killed and then rise after three days. He has begun to teach that whoever wishes to come after him, must deny himself, take up his cross and follow him. These teachings were difficult and Jesus knew this. He took Peter, James and John and led them up Mt. Tabor to be alone with them. The Transfiguration before Peter, James and John gave them a glimpse into the divine glory that Jesus possesses. It was intended to strengthen the disciples for the Passion that was soon to take place. Peter tells Jesus that it is good that they are there and he wants to stay there. He wants to build a tent for each of them and stick around for a while. God also gives us mountain experiences. He gives them to us to strengthen us for our own crosses that await us.

I recently went to a talk and the priest mentioned something very similar. He said that during our desert experiences, God provides us consolations to give us strength for the journey. But sometimes we cling to those consolations. We want to stay just as Peter did. But if we stay then our journey becomes longer, we get attached to the consolations and worry that there might not be another one along the way. We begin to lose our desire to reach the ultimate goal and settle for where we are at. But this consolation will never fulfill us. It was never meant to do that. When we leave these mountain experiences we need to remember that we are not alone. Christ is with us just as he was with Peter, James and John when they came down from Mt. Tabor. Rather than being fearful of the cross that God places before us, or angry or whatever feelings we may have, we need to embrace our cross just as Christ did and allow God to transfigure our hearts with his grace. 

Be Perfect

Jesus tells us, “So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  (Matthew 5:48) Jesus’ command in today’s gospel is such a hard thing for me to do. We are called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. How can I love those who have hurt me? I have to look past the hurt and into the heart of that person. In each one of us there is good and when I choose to look beyond the hurt and find the good in them then love can grow. And, yes, it is a choice. It is up to me to reach out, to turn the other cheek. So often the pain turns my heart into stone. I refuse to budge. I tell myself that I did nothing wrong and it is up to them to try and make amends. But this makes me no better than the tax collectors and pagans. Why does Christ so often reach out to the sinner? Why did he come to the defense of the woman caught in adultery? So often we judge others, especially their sins. We somehow think their sins are worse than ours. So often we hear people complaining, we all know what they are against but do we ever know what they are for? We see the hatred but do we ever see love? “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” (John 8:7)

All sin comes from our wounded and broken self. Instead of judging the wounded, we need to reach out to them and show them the love that they need to receive. Jesus took the initiative and reached out in love and it was always a gift, he wasn’t looking for something in return. But when we receive true love, the love of Christ that is pure and good, there is always going to be a response. Our heart can’t keep from swelling and growing. It wants to pour out that same perfect love that we receive from our heavenly Father to those around us especially those that are hurting and in need of His love. And in that way we are perfect.  

Seek and You Will Find

“Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.’” (Matthew 7:7-8)

Our faith must always be active. In today’s gospel Jesus tells us to ask, seek, and knock. Throughout scripture we are called to listen, pray, love, serve, take up our cross and follow Christ. We are instructed to clothe, feed, comfort, visit, forgive and have pity on one another. Jesus tells us, “Do to others whatever you would have them do to you.”  (Matthew 7:12) As we live out our faith the truth will be revealed to us. We will begin to see things through the eyes of Christ which moves us even more.

It is the very nature of every human being to seek God. We were created to live in communion with our Lord, forever praising him. Although our broken world often interferes with this, that core part of us remains and it will always seek Him. Our hearts cry out to him in prayer and this fervent prayer that rises from the depths of our soul will always be received with love and we will find consolation and comfort in Him. No desire or need is too insignificant for God; he wants us to come to him for everything. Prayer is a way of showing our trust in God. By making ourselves vulnerable to him and allowing him into the deepest, darkest places of our soul that we often are afraid to look at ourselves, we find him pouring out his grace and love upon us.

“If prayer enables us the better to understand the Father’s will, it also helps us to penetrate deeper into reality. To a heart steeped in prayer everything becomes transparent. To it is disclosed the inmost core of being. In prayer everything points to God, speaks in some sort of his Name, praises him unceasingly.”  ~ Fr. Andre Louf