Hard Teachings

“As a result of this, many of his disciples returned to their former way of life and no longer accompanied him. Jesus then said to the Twelve, ‘Do you also want to leave?’ Simon Peter answered him, ‘Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of everlasting life. We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.”’ (John 6:66-69)

The reason that many of his disciples returned to their former way of life was because they found Jesus’ teaching hard. It is here in the gospel of John that Jesus has given his Bread of Life Discourse. He has told the people, “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless you eat of the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life and I will raise him on the last day.” (John 6:53-54) I have never struggled with the belief that the bread and wine become the body and blood of Jesus Christ during the consecration. I know this was a stumbling block for some of the disciples in Jesus’ time and continues to be a stumbling block for many today. But there are other things that I have struggled with.

Several times this week, during my homework for the Biblical School and tonight at Adoration, one of my struggles rose up in me again. I am stronger now and not pulled under by the lie, but I get frustrated at myself that it is even able to pierce my heart at all. For most of my life I have felt like I was broken, too broken to ever be whole again. And through my healing these past eight years I have been reminded over and over, by God through scripture and prayer, by priests, my counselor, and close friends who know my history, that I am not forever broken. I’m not “dirty” like I believed for so long. The blood of Christ has made we white as snow. His blood has cleansed me from my sins and the sins of others that lead me to believe these things about myself.  There have been times that I have wanted to run away from God and go back to my darkness because it is what I knew for so long and I was comfortable with it. It takes every ounce of my being to stand in God’s truth and not turn back to my former way of life, living in darkness and shame. For me, the teaching that has been hard is that God loves me and that I am his precious daughter and I have been made in His image and likeness. And nothing that I do will ever change that. No matter how often I turn my back on him, no matter how much I resist his love and no matter how many times I fall into sin. I have a heart for God, but that same heart sometimes still believes that I am unclean. My heart reverts back to the heart of my childhood that was full of fear, pain, shame and doubt. These moments of shame and doubt are few and far between now but until they cease to occur, I pray for the strength to stand in God’s light and not revert back to my life of darkness. 

Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. It is only in Him that the truth, once and for all, will cast out those demons from my head that keep taunting me with their lies. It is only in Him that I can live in the freedom of his love instead of the pain and shame. He is the only way to be made whole, for it is his blood that claimed victory over sin and death for each of us. He is the Holy One of God.

In His Mercy

“We often think, if only I had known such and such was going to happen, I could have avoided so much heartache. If we knew in advance all the heartbreak and the disappointments, the unfulfilled dreams and the unrealized hopes, the inconsolable griefs that awaited us-could we find the courage to venture into the future at all? Sometimes it is the mercy of God that does not reveal everything to us.”  (From the book, Healing Prayer by Barbara Shlemon Ryan)

I read these words recently and I was reminded of them yesterday when I met a new family at the hospital. The girl I met was diagnosed with cancer just 2 weeks ago. I was reading through some of the notes written by other staff to learn a little more about her and I came across a note that stated her 18 year old sister was killed in a car accident just 2 weeks before this girl’s diagnosis of cancer. Would her parents have had the courage to venture out into the future just a month ago knowing that one of their daughters would be dead and another one dealing with cancer? Why does one family have to deal with both of these tragedies, and especially only 2 weeks apart? I know we aren’t supposed to ask God why? But I do sometimes.

I thought about these words when I was reflecting on recent events in my own life. Would I have entered into this friendship if I knew the heartache I would be feeling now? I think I would because along with the heartache there was much joy and love as well. If I hadn't entered into this friendship, I wouldn’t have had someone walk by my side through my mother’s illness and death the way he did. I wouldn’t have received the words of comfort that he spoke to me when work was so hard and I wondered if I could deal with another death. I wouldn’t have the memories of him coming to dinner at our house or the gift of him walking throughout our home blessing each room with holy water. I wouldn’t have the memories of him bringing communion to me when I was recovering from surgery. And most of all I would not have experienced the peace of Christ that I did when he heard my confession. These things may not have meant much to him but our friendship was very real to me. And that is why I won’t allow his hurtful words and actions to take away that joy. But I have realized that I need to let it go. All of the “if only” have to be put to rest.

I thank God for his mercy and not revealing to me what lie ahead because then I may not have experienced these things. I may have let my fear keep me in darkness. The love that grew out of our friendship will never be replaced by the hurt. Heavenly Father, I thank you for your wisdom and mercy. You know that my fears and anxiety would have overwhelmed me and prevented me from experiencing all that you have in store for me. I trust in you, Lord, and I ask that you give it all to me. Give me the heartaches and disappointments; all the unfulfilled dreams and the inconsolable grief. This is what it means to love fully. Amongst all the suffering there is joy, love and peace and most of all, our suffering will be resurrected with your Son because of your perfect love for each one of us. 

The Need for Assistance

In today’s reading, the Twelve realize that they cannot do the work they were called to do without help. The widows were being neglected and this was pointed out to them. So, they called together the community of the disciples and told them, “Brothers, select from among you seven reputable men, filled with the Spirit and wisdom, whom we shall appoint to this task.” (Act 6:3) Once the men were chosen, “they presented these men to the Apostles who prayed and laid hands on them. The word of God continued to spread and the number of the disciples in Jerusalem increased greatly.” (Acts 6:6-7) Stephen was one of the men chosen because he was “filled with faith and the Holy Spirit.” Stephen became the first martyr of the Church.

As Christians, we are called to do the same work as these men. It is not just up to the priests and leaders of the Church to be Christ to the world. The gospel needs to be spread to the ends of the earth. This work was started by Jesus and must continue through us. Jesus told the disciples, “The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few.” (Matthew 9:37) Because the laborers are few, the harvest will not reap the crop that God fully intended it to reap. “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?’” Our reply needs to be the same as Isaiah’s when he heard these words, “Here I am, send me!” (Isaiah 6:8)

The nature of good news is to share it with others. How can we claim to possess the gospel in our hearts yet not share it with others? Are we afraid we will offend others or is it because we want to respect their beliefs? There are so many who don’t believe in anything, there are so many lost souls. We can’t be complacent Christians. We are here to continue the work that Christ started, until He comes again. We may feel that we are not equipped, but we are. Jesus gave us the Advocate so that we would be equipped to spread the gospel. “When the Lord returns to see what we have been doing with our lives, will we dig up our coin of salvation and present it to Him without profit or interest? Even more fearful, will Jesus take our coin and give it to another?”  ~ Eli Brayley

Heavenly Father, help me to have the same heart as Isaiah and enthusiastically cry, “Here I am, send me!” There are so many lost souls. Fill my heart with the same compassion as your Son. Give me the courage to reach out to those most in need and be your voice, your hands and your feet. Amen. 

The Light of Love

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. And this is the verdict, that the light came into the world, but people preferred darkness to light, because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come toward the light, so that his works might not be exposed. But whoever lives the truth comes to the light, so that his works may be clearly seen as done in God.” (John 3:16-17, 19-21)

Sometimes we’ve lived in darkness so long that we’ve become used to it. Sometimes the darkness is from fear, not because our works are evil. But even when the darkness is that of fear, only God’s truth, the light, can dispel it. We can only experience healing in the light. And God provides our healing in stages because when you’ve been in the dark for so long, the light is blinding. It is overbearing and causes the one in darkness to shrink away from it. God doesn’t want us to shrink away from him so he heals us according to our ability to receive his gift of light. He understands our fear so he, ever so gently, reveals his healing light to us. He, ever so gently, uncovers our neglected wounds that are infected with lies and shame. He pours out the healing ointment of love that is the only remedy for our woundedness. He binds up our wounds and offers support until we are able to once again stand on our own.  Our wounds heal and become scars. Our scars reveal where we have been but they don’t have to predict where we go. For awhile we may move back and forth from the darkness to the light. I know for myself, sometimes the healing process was hard and I would revert back to my old ways. I would step back into the darkness because that is what I was familiar with and comfortable with. The journey toward healing requires a lot of courage and trust because there is so much unknown. On the journey we become children of the light and our works are clearly seen as done for God’s glory. 

Born From Above

In the gospels yesterday and today, Nicodemus has a hard time with what Jesus is saying. He asks Jesus, “How can a man once grown old be born again?” (John 3:4) How can you be born from above? What does it mean to be born of water and the spirit? The teacher of Israel cannot understand these things. Jesus tells him it is because he and his people do not accept Christ’s testimony.

Why does Nicodemus go to Jesus at night? I think part of him is intrigued by Jesus. He knows that somehow God is involved. He even says, “For no one can do these signs that you are doing unless God is with him.”  (John 3:2) He wants an explanation that makes sense from man’s way of thinking. “Surely he cannot reenter his mother’s womb.” (John 3:4) He knows this is physically impossible but doesn’t want to accept Jesus’ testimony because that would take a leap of faith. Does he go to Jesus at night because he doesn’t want his people to know that their ruler doesn’t know the answers? How would that look if their ruler is on the same level as them? This is what Jesus meant when he said that those who exalt themselves will be humbled. Nicodemus would have to humble himself, make himself vulnerable, in order to understand Jesus’ testimony. I know at times I act like Nicodemus. I want a concrete answer to why something is the way it is. I don’t want to accept Jesus’ answer. I am determined to make sense of it when that isn’t possible. I refuse to humble myself and surrender to His truth.

Dear Lord, help me to quit fighting when things aren’t the way I want them to be. Help me to come before you with a humble and contrite heart. Forgive me for my stubbornness and selfishness. Help me to surrender my will and allow your will to be done. Help me to be at peace with the fact that my ways are not your ways. I cannot even fathom the greatness of your majesty or the depth of your love for me. Help me to trust in your goodness. Amen. 

Help My Unbelief

In today’s gospel, Jesus doesn’t meet Thomas with judgment but with an invitation. Come, “Put your finger here and see my hands, and bring your hand and put it into my side, and do not be unbelieving, but believe.” (John 20:27) I can picture Christ lovingly, saying these words to Thomas in the same way that he speaks to us during our moments of doubt. There is never any harshness in His voice, never impatience, or frustration. Christ loves us where we are at and he invites us to come closer to see all that he has to offer. He beckons us to come as we are. Jesus understands our fears and doubts and wants to cover them with his love.

The apostles were in fear behind locked door and “Jesus came and stood in their midst and said to them, ‘Peace be with you.’” (John 20:19) Christ himself is peace. During our times of fear he stands in our midst, allowing his very self, the peace of Christ, to fill our hearts so that even in our darkest moments there is hope. Locked doors or any other barriers we may put up in order to alleviate some of our fear have no impact on Christ’s ability to be in our presence. What can separate us from the love of Christ?  “Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?” (Romans 8:35) Will we allow our doubt, our fears, our shame, our regrets, our unbelief keep us from the love of Christ? My Lord and Savior, have mercy on me! Help my unbelief!!!

“For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

Remaining at Peace

“When the soul does what it can to fulfill its daily obligations and steer its bark as it should, abandoning itself to God, he visits it with his inspirations, at first latent and confused, which if well received, become more frequent, more insistent and luminous. Then, amidst the joyful and painful events of life, the clash of temperaments, in times of spiritual dryness, amidst the snares of the devil or of men, their suspicion and their jealousies, the soul in its higher regions at any rate remains always at peace. It enjoys this serenity because it is intimately persuaded that God is guiding it and, in abandoning itself to him, it seeks only to do his will and nothing more." ~ Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, O.P.

These beautiful words by Fr. Reginald were the source of my meditation last night. I would like to say that his words describe my soul. I wish I could say that my soul is at peace when the events in my life are difficult; when lies are spoken about me or my love is rejected. But this isn’t always the case. I do better when the trials are physical, like dealing with my health issues and the constant physical pain that I am in. Somehow, I feel like I have some control over them, maybe not control over the disease process itself, but some control over the symptoms. I’ve been at peace with my husband being out of work and unable to find a job for the past 8 months and no potential prospects either. At times, I have been surprised by how calm I feel because anxiety is something that I struggle with. A year ago, when there was talk that his company was going to shut down, I was so anxious. How were we going to pay our bills with only half of our income when at times we struggled to pay them with two paychecks? But the Lord got us through, and continues to get us through. At these moments of calm, I always stop and give thanks to God because I know that this peace comes from him. I give thanks that we are able to make ends meet and keep our home. I am grateful that I have a good job and good insurance. This change in our income has actually brought our family closer together.

Where I still struggle with peace, though, is with emotional struggles. I have a hard time letting go. I’ve had people tell me that sometimes God allows people in our lives for only a short time and it is his desire that it is only for a short time. This is where I have trouble surrendering to his will. I sometimes cling to people and don’t want to let them go. I pour so much energy into trying to “save” the relationship. I’m willing to forgive hurts and I really try to make it work but when that is not God’s plan for the relationship, then it just causes me a lot of heartache. Dear Lord, you know how I had to battle my fears and anxiety (sometimes it was terror) in order for my relationship with my dad to begin to heal. I know you desired us to have a relationship even when others told me I was crazy to be alone with him. In the midst of all of it there was so much pain and sometimes I doubted that it was your will. But now that I am on the other side of that I can see that your hand was in it all along. I thought this was the case with the relationship that I am struggling with now. I thought it was your desire for there to be reconciliation since you allowed our paths to cross again but I know it isn’t the case. You allowed our paths to cross so that I can see that I am stronger than I think I am and to realize that sometimes you have to let go and quit hoping that it will work out. You want me see that when I quit looking back at the way it used to be and quit wondering what went wrong, then I can look toward the blessings you are providing me with right now and when I surrender this to you, I will find peace. Give me the wisdom to discern your will in these situations. Help me to know when to fight for a relationship and when to let it go. Help me to do only your will and nothing more.

Precious Tears

“Mary Magdalene stayed outside the tomb weeping. And as she wept, she bent over into the tomb and saw two angels in white sitting there, one at the head and one at the feet where the Body of Jesus had been. And they said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping?’ She said to them, ‘They have taken my Lord, and I don't know where they laid him.’ When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus there, but did not know it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?’" (John 20:11-15)

Sometimes during our life we have trouble recognizing Jesus, just as Mary did, especially when we are weighed down by grief. Even though we know that Jesus put an end to death through his passion and resurrection, here on earth we still experience death. When someone we love dies our heart aches and sometimes we wonder how we will be able to go on. How am I supposed to go on without my child? Without my child that I carried in my womb for 9 months, nursed and nurtured throughout the years and had torn from my life without warning? How am I supposed to go on without my spouse that I was married to for 53 years? Without my spouse to whom I have become one with, who knows my thoughts and can finish my sentences for me?  The one who knows all my quirks and faults and loves me anyway?

We may not be able to recognize that our Lord is there with us in the darkness, but he is. And he is there in the love and support of our friends and family even though nothing they say will make it better, their presence is also Christ’s presence. Jesus himself wept over the death of his friend, Lazarus, even though he knew that he would raise him from the dead and knew that he would put an end to death with his passion and resurrection. Having faith in our Lord and the promise of eternal life does not negate the profound pain of these deep losses but it does provide us with the hope necessary to keep us from despair. Jesus knows the importance of needing love and support during our grief and that those in mourning need his physical presence through the gift of self from others. That is why he teaches us to care for the widow because without her spouse she is lost and hurting. He instructs us to care for those who mourn. The Lord is aware of each tear that we shed and they are precious to him. Our pain is real, our grief is profound and until we ourselves are united with our loved ones who have gone before us and our King, he will hold us in the palm of his hand and our tears are recorded in his book.

“Are my tears not stored in your vial, recorded in your book?” (Psalm 56:9)

He is Risen

“’They have taken the Lord from the tomb, and we don’t know where they put him’... When Simon Peter arrived after him, he went into the tomb and saw the burial cloths there, and the cloth that had covered his head, not with the burial cloths but rolled up in a separate place. Then the other disciple also went in, the one who had arrived at the tomb first, and he saw and believed.”  (John 20:2, 6-8)

Mary of Magdala thought someone had taken the Lord’s body. She was distraught and ran to Simon Peter and John, telling them of this terrible incident. When Simon Peter and John got to the tomb and saw the burial clothes, they knew that no one had taken the Lord, but that he had risen from the dead. They began to put together all the things that Jesus had been telling them as he prepared them for his death. It all began to make sense.

The Lord is risen from the dead! He went to the depths of hell for our sins and destroyed death, once and for all. He did this for all mankind, this gift is freely given to all who are willing to accept this gift and believe in our Lord, Jesus Christ. Saint Paul reminds us, “Brothers and sisters: If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth.” (Colossians 3:1-2) Our sights are to always be on what is above. He is our guiding light in this broken world. God did not abolish sin, or suffering. There will always be people that are lonely, hungry, scared, abused, suffering and sick. But none of these things have power over the love of Christ. We are called to follow Christ through death to our own resurrection which he claimed through his death and resurrection. He conquered death and unlocked for us the path to eternity. The hope that God brought into this world on Easter will always reign! So through all the hardships that we will face in this life, we keep our eyes on Him who is seated at the right hand of the Father. Through love, we share the burdens of those around us and encourage them to remain hopeful in the promises of Christ.

The Lord is truly risen, Alleluia! To him be all glory, praise and honor through all eternity, Alleluia!

Holy Saturday

“Christ strode through the gate of our final loneliness; in his Passion he went down into the abyss of our abandonment. Where no voice can reach us any longer, there he is. Hell is thereby overcome, or, to be more accurate, death, which was previously hell, is hell no longer. Neither is the same any longer because there is life in the midst of death, because love dwells in it.”  ~ Pope Benedict XVI 

Jesus’ death was the example of perfect love. He died for me, to free me from the grip of death and sin so that I may one day live with him in his heavenly kingdom. He did this for each and every one of us. He never once looked with hate upon those who scorned him, those who beat him, those who betrayed him and turned their back on him. He endured each strike to his body in silence. He was obedient to the end out of love for his Father and out of love for each of us.

This morning when I woke up I felt this sadness and as I reflected on it I realized it was because I miss my mom. This sadness began yesterday evening after the Good Friday service. My mom loved Easter and I realized how much I miss her. And during my walk this morning as I prayed and gave thanks for all my blessings, I thought of our Mother, Mary. How devastated she must have felt waking up this morning and realizing that it wasn’t just a nightmare that she experienced but something even more devastating. The brutal death of her son was a reality. It took me back to July 16^th, 1975 when my brother Mitchell was killed in a car accident. When my parents came home from identifying his body, their profound grief was visible. I was only 11 years old and didn’t realize the true impact this had on my parents. This was my first experience with the death of someone that I loved. Mitchell and Mark were identical twins, they had just graduated from high school and when Mitchell died, a part of Mark died too. I am sure Mary’s arms ached to hold her son again just as my mom’s arms ached to hold her son one last time, to tell him how much she loved him. She would have traded her life for his in a heartbeat.

Twenty-two years ago tomorrow I gave birth to my son, Matthew. He was born on Palm Sunday which I thought was pretty wonderful but to be celebrating his birthday this year on Easter Sunday makes it even more joyous. We will be celebrating the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior as well as the birthday of my son. Today has been a day to give thanks for all my blessings. I give thanks for the gift of faith that was instilled in me by my parents who saw the importance of getting all nine of us children to Mass every Sunday and for the sacrifices they made so that we could attend Catholic schools. I give thanks for my home which we are able to keep even with the loss of half of our income; a home that is filled with so much love. Thank you Lord for the gift of health for each of my family members; for a vocation where I am called to care for your little ones, and to walk with their families as they deal with their child’s diagnosis of cancer. My blessings are too numerous to mention here but I am glad for the opportunity to reflect on them this Holy Saturday. In a few hours I will be attending the Easter Vigil Mass to support my candidate as she is welcomed into the Church. I give thanks for the amazing RCIA program at St. Ann Parish where I have learned about and grown stronger in my faith along with each of the Catechumens and candidates during this process.

As our Lord lies in his tomb this day, may we spend some time reflecting on his gift of self and for putting an end to death so that we may reign with him some day in the heavenly Jerusalem. Amen. 

The Washing of Feet

“When the Lord of the world comes and undertakes the slave’s task of foot-washing – which is an illustration of the way he washes our feet all through our lives – we have a totally different picture. God doesn’t want to trample us, but kneels down before us so as to exalt us. The mystery of the greatness of God is seen precisely in the fact that he can be small… Only when power is changed from the inside, and we accept Jesus and his way of life, whose whole self is there in the action of foot-washing, only then can the world be healed and the people be able to live at peace with one another.”  ~ Pope Benedict XVI 

If our Lord and Savior humbled himself and washed the feet of his disciples, how can we expect that anything less is expected of us? Jesus washed the feet of Judas Iscariot knowing that he would betray him. He washed the feet of Peter knowing that he would deny him. He did it out of love because he is love. The Lord will always present himself as he is no matter who or what he encounters. His love is pure and without limits. He calls us to do the same; to love until the end. Just imagine what the world would be like if we lived as Christ calls us to live. We will never be able to love perfectly because we are broken, wounded, sinners. But even if we strive to love as Christ loved the world would be a much better place. What if we loved those who betrayed us or denied our presence?

I am sure after Peter denied our Lord he was crushed, the magnitude of his sin weighing him down. Remembering how he protested Jesus washing his feet, and proclaiming that he would never deny him. The words of Christ pounding in his ears, “What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later.”  (John 13: 7) These are the words I need to remind myself of when I don’t understand why something is happening in my life especially when I protest against God because it is happening. But God uses everything for his glory. Recalling how the Lord lovingly washed his feet knowing that Peter would deny him provides Peter with an example of how he is called to be compassionate toward others. The action of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples is more than just an example of his humility but is the beginning of his prefect obedience to his Father. “Jesus knew that his hour had come to pass from this world to the Father.” (John 13:1) He gave of himself completely to the end. We are to give of ourselves completely to the circumstances in our life whatever they may be. It may be putting our spouse and children before us. It may be living out the gospel in our workplace rather than allowing power or prestige to be what drives us. Or maybe our obedience to the Father is brought about when we are nailed to the cross with Christ and trusting that he has not abandoned us. 

Uniting Ourselves with Christ

I love today’s gospel with Mary anointing the feet of Jesus and drying them with her hair. What a beautiful act of love and humility. She is criticized for her actions, using this expensive oil, three hundred day’s wages, to anoint the feet of Christ. But Jesus comes to her defense. He tells Judas to leave her alone and again speaks of his impending death. Jesus defends Mary just as he defends the outcast, the lowly, the leper, the lame, the brokenhearted, those persecuted because of him and all those in bondage. This is why he came.

As we enter into Holy Week, are we willing to journey with Christ on the road to Calvary? Are we ready to enter into his suffering and his crucifixion and be truly united with him? I’ve read this question (or similar ones) in many places the past few days. What does it really mean? How can we enter into Christ’s crucifixion? One way is to meditate on the Stations of the Cross. We see the great love of laying down one’s life for another. We hope that somehow we may come to know the price of our redemption. While the cross has become a symbol of hope for Christians, it should also disturb our conscience. God endured this torturous death because of our sins, my sins. It is my sin that drove the nails into his wrists, my sin that pierced his side from which his blood poured out for my redemption.

Christ made the Cross a sign of God’s saving love for all humanity. As we unite with him we pray for the courage necessary to walk this journey with him. We are called to carry each other’s burdens so we pray to be Christ to others. We ask God to not allow us to turn away from those who are crushed by the cross of illness, loneliness, hunger, grief or shame. But to lift up the weight of their cross and place it on our shoulder and extend a hand to raise them up again. 

No Holding Back

Today is Palm Sunday and I was reflecting on what Jesus must have felt like knowing what was in store for him. He enters the city of Jerusalem being hailed by the people, “Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Blessed is the kingdom of our father David that is to come! Hosanna in the highest! (Mark 11:9-10) Yet he knows that in a few days, these same people will be yelling, “Crucify him!”  What a dramatic turn in just a few days.

During my reflection what came to mind was one of my patients. It is frightening for anyone to get the diagnosis of cancer. There is so much unknown. Am I going to die? How is the chemotherapy going to make me feel? And for a teenager there are even more questions. What will people think of me? Will they be afraid to be around me? Will they stare at me when I lose my hair? Can I continue doing the things I love to do? Will I be able to go to prom? Will I be able to graduate? One of my patients was diagnosed in November of her junior year of high school. She underwent chemotherapy, a huge surgery to remove a large part of her right femur where the tumor was and it was replaced with a metal prosthesis. She underwent grueling physical therapy to learn how to walk again. After completing 10 months of chemotherapy and recovering from her surgery she endured radiation to her lungs. She endured all of this with such grace. She never complained, she reached out to others kids when they were diagnosed with cancer so that they would know they were not alone. And through all of this she was able to keep up with her school work and graduated with her class in 2011. A few months later she slipped and fell in a department store banging up her left leg and had this persistent pain. At first we attributed it to the fall because the pain was in her other leg, not where the cancer had been. But when the pain did not go away we did a MRI and found a large tumor in her left leg. We were all devastated. Her type of cancer usually comes back in the same place or spreads to the lungs. You don’t get another large tumor at a completely different place in your body! We knew that we were facing a huge battle.

This is why she came to mind when I was reflecting on Christ. She knew how grueling this road was going to be. She knew the pain she would endure. She knew the devastation that her body would experience; the hair loss, the nausea, vomiting, fatigue and pain. She knew she would experience the loneliness, the hospital stays, and the radiation treatments. She also knew that she would see the terror in her parents’ face and would once again try to comfort her mom when she couldn’t hold back her tears. Yet, just as Christ did, she took up her cross and never once complained. She was confident in God’s love for her and knew that he would never abandon her. Even as her cancer continued to spread despite the treatments she received, her trust in God was never shaken. I was blessed to spend a little time with her a few hours before she died. We made a home visit and she was so glad to be in her own bedroom surrounded by her family. She was confident that she would soon be with her King and no longer have to suffer. She was an amazing young woman and I am so thankful that I was blessed to share in a small part of her life. I pray that God gives me the strength to bear my crosses with a hint of the grace that I witnessed in my patient.

Heavenly Father, help me to draw closer to your Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ, during this Holy Week. With reverence, help me to enter into the events of this week, to reflect deeply on His suffering and death which he bore for my sins so that I may share in his resurrection and new life. Help me to take up my cross daily with joy, knowing that I am doing your will. Amen.