I Didn’t Know

“Thus says the LORD: When Israel was a child I loved him, out of Egypt I called my son. Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk, who took them in my arms; I drew them with human cords, with bands of love; I fostered them like one who raises an infant to his cheeks; yet, though I stooped to feed my child, they did not know I was their healer. My heart is overwhelmed, my pity is stirred. I will not give vent to my blazing anger, I will not destroy Ephraim again; for I am God and not a man, the Holy One present among you; I will not let the flames consume you .”  (Hosea 11:1,3-4,8-9)

Today is the Solemnity of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. God’s love for us is unwavering. We see even in the Book of the Prophet Hosea God’s love expressed in ways that we can understand, like one who raises an infant to his cheek.” God’s love pours forth for all humanity but so often we don’t recognize Him. The Holy One is present among us yet, we don’t know that he is our healer. God has always loved me and cared for me but I was so lost and consumed with fear that I didn’t recognize Him. Even as I began to see who God was and understand that he loves us and sent his Son to die for our sins, I didn’t grasp this Truth. I began to see God’s healing power and was drawn to the gospel stories in which Jesus heals. Two of my favorites are the hemorrhaging woman who believed that just touching the tassel of Jesus’ cloak will bring healing, and the crippled man at the pool in Bethesda where Jesus asks him, “Do you want to be well?” My heart longed to be healed but I didn’t know that it could happen to me. Not because God wasn’t capable but because I believed that I was a hopeless case. I had no sense of self-worth and believed that God saw me that way, too. But God is so merciful. He has brought so much healing into my heart and continues to do so.

One of my continued struggles has been forgiving myself. I’ve heard people talk about having this incredible sense of peace or joy after going to confession, knowing that God has forgiven them. I’ve had times when I did feel peace after confession or a sense that a weight had been lifted from me but yesterday, I truly experienced what others had talked about. I have struggled with a particular sin for a while and even though I had confessed it many times, there were aspects of the situation that I never shared out of shame and guilt. I became more and more aware that this was keeping me caught up in this sin. I’ve been praying for God to give me the courage to be open and honest and to reveal to me who I could trust with this profoundly personal situation. Sensing that this particular priest was that person, I asked him if I could share it with him, to tell the whole story; the history behind how this sin began and the roller coaster of shame, guilt and unforgiveness that I had been on ever since. He didn’t say anything profound, but he was willing to listen without being judgmental like so many others have been. We talked through the situation and I poured my heart out. I let go of all the shame and guilt and felt Christ’s present when the words were spoken, “God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His son, has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” I have never felt such peace. For the first time I feel that I can overcome this sin with the grace of God. I hadn’t experienced this profound sense of peace before, not because God wasn't capable, but because I allowed my shame to prevent this healing.