Sacred Teachings

 Today is the Memorial of St. Jerome. He is a Doctor of the Church and is best known for translating the Bible into Latin. He also wrote many commentaries on Holy Scripture. When I went to the Holy Land we were blessed to have a priest with us on the trip and celebrated daily Mass. On the day we went to the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, we celebrated Mass in the Chapel of St. Jerome where he lived and worked. It is a very small, intimate and beautiful chapel. It was incredible to be in the most sacred places on earth; to walk where Jesus walked, to pray where Jesus prayed. We were in the Upper Room where Jesus celebrated the Last Supper and walked the road to Calvary as well as so many other places. I have such a deeper appreciation of Sacred Scripture since having been to the Holy Land. It is easy to place myself in the scenes as they are read at Mass or when I meditate on them because I have been there.  I love my Biblical Studies, as we begin to study the prophets it is fascinating to see how the New Testament is a fulfillment of the Old Testament. So often when I am meditating on a certain scripture passage, other passages come to mind. No matter what I am dealing with, I can find guidance from scripture. It is truly a gift that we must cherish and the more we learn, the deeper our yearning becomes and we draw closer to God.

Heavenly Father, help us to follow the example of St. Jerome. Stir up the hearts of all those who believe in you so that we may yearn to know you more. Through your sacred teachings, may we gain wisdom and understanding of our call as your disciples. Let us read and meditate on your word so that we may find strength to walk in your truth. And during times of trials and sorrow let us find peace in your sacred words. Amen.

“Whoever is ignorant of the Scriptures is ignorant of Christ.” (St. Jerome)

God’s Messengers

"Day and night they do not stop exclaiming: ‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty, who was, and who is and who is to come.’” (Revelation 4:8)

Today is the feast of Saints Michael, Gabriel and Raphael. Throughout scripture, from Genesis to Revelation, angels are part of salvation history. They are messengers of God and they reveal his designs, carry out his commands and above, they sing his praises. The Liturgy of the Mass joins us to that of the angels in heaven. Not only do we make their hymn of praise our own, proclaiming that the Lord is holy, but in offering the sacrifice, we ask God “that your angel may take this sacrifice to your altar in heaven” (Eucharistic Prayer I). God sends his angels to minister to us. They enlighten our understanding and bring us to knowledge. They provide strength in our moments of weakness and they lead us to our place in heaven. 

Years ago, I had a mother share this story with me. She was a single mom and her only child, Alexandria, who was 5 years old at the time, had leukemia. When you are receiving chemotherapy and your blood counts are very low, there is a very high risk of getting an infection that can be life threatening. Alex was admitted to the hospital with a fever and was very sick. A few days into her stay she was doing much better and would be going home soon. Her mom told me that the night Alex was admitted to the hospital with fever, she went to check on her before going to bed and Alex was sitting up in bed mumbling. When mom felt her, she had a fever and she got their things together to go to the hospital. Later, Alex told her that on the night she had her fever and was so sick, that an angel was sitting at the end of her bed and was telling Alex that she was there to take Alex to heaven. Alex told the angel that she needed to stay here because her mom would be all alone if Alex left. The angel told her that would be fine and she could stay here a while longer and then the angel left. Alex told her mom very matter of fact about the angel and wasn’t scared about the incident. Her mother, on the other hand, was overwhelmed with many emotions. She was thankful that Alex was allowed to stay, she was terrified by how sick her daughter really was and how close to death she had been and she was comforted by the confirmation that there is a heaven, that there are angels that will lead us home to our Creator when that time comes and that it won’t be a scary thing.

I think angels are fascinating. They aren’t little chubby babies that flutter above our shoulder as they are so often portrayed but incredible beings. Angels minister to Christ after his temptation in the desert.

 An angel of the Lord releases the chains that held Peter bound in prison. The archangel Michael and his angels battle against the dragon in heaven. And there are so many more examples of encounters with angels throughout the bible. But for me, they are a perfect example of always giving glory to the only one who is worthy of praise. 

"I looked again and heard the voices of many angels who surrounded the throne and the living creatures and the elders. They were countless in number and they cried out in a loud voice: 'Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches, wisdom and strength, honor and glory and blessing.' Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, everything in the universe, cry out: 'To the one who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor, glory and might, forever and ever.'" (Revelation 5:11-13)

Come Back to Me

I have started my final year of Biblical School at the University of Dallas. It has been an incredible experience for me; seeing how God speaks to us through scripture and knowing that the words that were written thousands of years ago remain true and they will continue to remain true throughout the ages. I get caught up in my homework just as I get caught up in my daily meditations and sometimes spend hours on them. I am trying to find a balance because I don’t have hours to spend on them each day.

We are studying the prophets and many of the first Readings at Mass recently have been from the prophets as well. A common theme is the Lord calling his people, Israel, back to him. Hosea came to share with the people the astonishing fact of God’s love for man. God is not only the LORD who demands justice; he is also a God who is in love with his people. God is also a jealous God. He wants us to give Him our all but instead we fall into the sins of idolatry, greed, lust, power, pride and so many more. He is calling Israel back to the covenantal relationship they had with him; reminding them how he was with them in the desert. It was a time of intimacy between Yahweh and his new bride, Israel. As he led them through the wilderness, there were no distractions from other gods, and Yahweh alone cared for her.

The desert isn’t a place of desolation where God has abandoned us; it is a place where we are totally dependent on God. God wants to share the same intimacy that he had with Israel, with us as well. God is constantly calling us back to him. Sometimes we are lured away by the things of this world. When things are going well we often forget to give thanks to God or we think that we are receiving them as a gift from God because we were “good”.  When we sin we often turn away in shame instead of running to the One who can heal us. May we constantly seek the Lord, knowing that he is continually calling us to him, because it is only in him that we will find peace and healing.

 “Come, let us return to the LORD, for it is he who has rent, but he will heal us; he has struck us, but he will bind our wounds. He will revive us after two days; on the third day he will raise us up, to live in his presence” (Hosea 6:1-2)

The Universal Church

“The gift of the Holy Spirit creates the unity and universality of the Catholic Church, overcoming barriers of nationality and language and opening people's hearts to work with and serve one another.”  ~ Pope Benedict XVI

Today I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the funeral Mass of one of my patients at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Parish in Garland, Texas. It is a Vietnamese parish and being there reminded me of the universality of the Church. The traditions and rituals of the Mass are present no matter what language they are spoken in. Bread and wine become the Body and Blood of our Lord, Jesus Christ in thousands of churches around the world every day.

Most of the Mass was spoken in Vietnamese but I was still able to understand what was happening because the Church is the same yesterday, today and always, Just as Christ is. The Mass was instituted by Jesus Christ at the Last Supper when he instructed the Apostles saying, “This is my body, which will be given for you; do this in memory of me” (Luke 22:19). It brought me great comfort to be a part of the Catholic faith today as we shared our faith, our sorrow and our hope with one another.  There was a choir at the Mass and their singing was so beautiful. The final song was Amazing Grace, and while I didn’t understand what they were saying, I found comfort in the words that ran through my head in English.

There were five priests concelebrating the Mass today and one of them was a Catholic priest from MD Anderson in Houston.  David was initially treated at Children’s Medical Center but after he relapsed the family sought experimental treatment in Houston, hoping against all odds that David would be healed. This priest went above and beyond what is expected of him and came to be with this family on one of the most difficult days of their life, the day they buried their son. He was an inspiration for me, reminding me, that as Christians, we are called to always go above and beyond what the world expects from us.

Heavenly Father, help me to always be willing to give of myself beyond what the world sees as acceptable. Help me to live out my faith with love and compassion for those in need especially when I am weary and would rather divert my eyes from the needs of those around me and pretend like everything is ok. I know I can only do this with the help of your grace so help me to constantly seek you. I ask all this through your Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Joy of Suffering

“He was pierced for our offenses, crushed for our sins, upon him was the chastisement that makes us whole, by his stripes we were healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)

Today is the Memorial of St. Pio of Pietrelcina. In the Magnificat today, there is a meditation by him and he mentions some things I don’t understand. “Jesus tells me that in love it is he who delights me, while in suffering, on the other hand, it is I who give pleasure to him.” Is he saying that Jesus is pleased when we suffer? He goes on to say that Jesus is consoled when “he finds a soul who for love of him asks no consolations and only wants to be allowed to share in his sufferings.”  This I can understand a little better. I think he is saying that when we accept our suffering, without asking God to alleviate it, we are more open to being united with Christ in his suffering.

I don’t think God takes pleasure in our pain and suffering though. I think he suffers with us. I don’t think suffering is part of God’s plan; it is a consequence of our broken world. People can try to understand suffering and I trust that God is in the midst of it, but no one will ever provide a good explanation for the suffering I see every day at the hospital. There are little babies dying of cancer and children of all ages enduring the pain of their cancer, their treatments and the procedures they must undergo.

We find beauty in the Cross because it is out of love for us that Christ died. These beautiful words were part of the song for today’s Morning Prayer.

“From His head, His hands, His feet, sorrow and love flow mingled down. Did ever such love and sorrow meet or thorns compose so rich a crown?”

Follow Me

Today is the Feast of St. Matthew. In a moment, Matthew goes from being a tax-collector to a disciple of Christ. We too are called to leave our old way of life behind and follow him. It sounds so easy but I am sure it brought about many trials for Matthew as well. His life as he knew it was turned upside down because of a single decision he made. More will be expected of him and it will no longer be tolerated that he put money or anything else before the Lord. When we turn away from sinful behaviors we often have to turn away from people in our lives that participated in that sinful behavior with us. And these people may have a reaction similar to the Pharisees’. “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” (Matthew 9:11) Sometimes these taunts come from within rather than from someone else. You, a sinner, now call yourself a disciple of Christ? But I know you; I know the things that you have done. I tell myself that I am not worthy; that I need to get my act together before I go claiming to be a disciple of Christ. But Christ’s words bring me comfort, “I did not come to call the righteous but sinners” (Matthew 9:13). God is calling me to follow him now. He knows I am a sinner in need of his healing and love. This is why he died on the cross. His are the arms that were nailed to a cross, to break our chains and set us free.

In the first reading, Paul urges us to “live in a manner worthy of the call you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another through love, striving to preserve the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace…” (Ephesians 4:1-3) Christ is our example of how to live in a manner that is worthy of the call we have received. We only need to look to him. 

Deafening Silence

 Lord, I am struggling to be at peace in your silence. Is your silence a cross I am to bear right now? And if so, why do I keep praying to feel you? Or to hear you speak to me? If this is where you want me to be, do I need to quit searching for you? Your silence is deafening! I feel so lost and alone. I long for your comfort. I wish I could curl up in your lap and rest my head upon your chest while you hold me in your embrace. I have tried to be at peace in your silence but I am really struggling. I’ve been spending quiet time in front of the Blessed Mother every day, time in Adoration with the Blessed Sacrament and attending daily Mass but I feel no peace.

Lord, help me to trust that your silence is a gift of grace that reminds me of your reality. Your silence is so painful because I desperately need you in my life. Your silence is a reminder that I long for you, that I hunger for you and I thirst for you! May your silence be the impetus that drives me closer toward you and not away from you. Give me the courage to enter into this mystery and be at peace instead of allowing it to overwhelm me.

“Divine silence is not a vacuum to be filled but a mystery to be entered into. Unarmed with words and undistracted by noise, a holy of holies, in which we too may be struck dumb by the power of the unsayable God.” ~ Barbara Brown Taylor

The Generosity of God

Jesus tells us that the kingdom of heaven is like the landowner in today's gospel. The love of heaven takes the initiative in seeking us out. The love of heaven chooses us despite our utter unworthiness. And the love of heaven is lavish in its self-gift to us. To love the kingdom of heaven is to love this landowner and the way he acts. The temptation is for us to measure our life and ‘the way things should be’ by a standard at odds with God. ~  Magnificat

Scripture tells us, “seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” God loves us so much and wants to have an intimate relationship with each of us. He seeks us out just as the Shepherd goes after the lost sheep. “He reached down from on high and seized me; drew me out of the deep water… He rescued me because he loves me.” (Psalm 18:17, 20) This Psalm is a constant reminder to me how God sought me out and rescued me from the depth of my darkness and fear. Just as the landowner goes out 5 times seeking laborers, God repeatedly seeks us out.

God is so loving and generous. His generosity is beyond our comprehension. I know I have been guilty of thinking that God is unfair; believing that others are given gifts that they don’t deserve. I want to remind God of what that person has done and why they don't deserve it. I should rejoice at God’s generosity to others because I know he has done the same for me but sometimes my pride and arrogance get in the way. The same reward was given to all the laborers in order that those who have sweated with much labor, without receiving more than the last, might understand that they received a gift of grace, not a reward of work. (St. Prosper)

Lord, help me to be more generous. Burn away my selfish desires. Your love and generosity are incomprehensible. How crazy for me to think that you would think like I do instead of with your greatness. How often I bring you down to my level, wanting you to do things my way instead of trusting in your perfect plan. When I am weary from the labors of this life help me to persevere, knowing that you will give me the grace to continue your work here on earth. Help me to seek out those in need of love and be generous in giving of myself. We will all receive the same reward in the end, the crown of life, when we enter into your heavenly kingdom.  

A Mutual Exchange of Love

When we enter into relationship with God, it is a mutual exchange of love, and it is in this exchange that God reveals himself. He reveals himself in the measure in which we love him. We look upon God as a Father, who is unceasingly communicating to us his thoughts and desires, and it is by these thoughts and desires that we live. He becomes our very soul and innermost life. His Spirit abides in the depth of our spirit, enlightening, encouraging, and directing us. We recognize that it is He who is calling us. We share with him all our joys and sorrows and he is the confidant of all of our hours. We enter into a relationship that is at once living, continuous, and full of delight – a relationship between the soul and its divine Guest, which grows in intensity. ~ Dom Augustin Guillerand, O. Cart. 

These words are from a meditation written by Dom Guillerand who was a French Carthusian monk that I found in Magnificat 2 years ago. I held onto it because it was so beautiful and because it was from the day my mom died. I keep it in my journal along with a picture of my mom that was taken with me and my sister Diane on 9/6/2009, the last day she was up and about. That evening she became very weak and needed complete assistance to do anything. We transferred her to the hospital bed in their den that evening and this is where she stayed until she died.

I strive for perfection in this mutual exchange of love that I have with the Father. It is through the perfect love that God the Father has for his Son that the Holy Spirit is born. My love for our Father will never be perfect because of my sinfulness but I can strive for perfection. The more I open up to Him, the more I am able to receive the thoughts and desires he has for me. This enables me to live the life he is calling me to live. He consumes my very soul. And while I often feel like I don’t belong, that I am on the outside looking in; I know I belong to Him. We are in this world, but we are not of this world. I try to be strong, not letting others know how much I am hurting or how lost I sometimes feel. But with God, I don’t need to do this. I can be me in his presence. He already knows all my thoughts; all my fears and failures, all my desires and joys, but he wants me to share them with him. It is through this constant sharing, that my relationship with him grows and strengthens.  

The Final Hour

Time allows us a little distance to look back on some of the most difficult situations in our lives, times when your grief is so profound that you thought you might break, and see the miracles that were happening in your midst.

Two years ago today, my mom was dying of colon cancer. She was in her home on hospice care. This was the worst day of her journey toward heaven. September 15^th is the Memorial of Our Lady of Sorrows which I didn’t know until two years ago, but how appropriate. My Spiritual Director at the time told me about this special day that the Church recognizes and he celebrated Mass for my mom that morning. At this point, my mom was no longer talking to us but she would cry out in pain every time we had to move her. She was so thin and fragile and we tried to be so gentle when we moved her but she still cried. Around 11 o’clock that morning her breathing changed and every breath became a struggle. There was a big gasp followed by that gurgling death rattle, another gasp and more gurgling. This went on for hours and was very distressing to watch. We would talk to her and tell her to go ahead and go. We reminded her that our siblings, Kathryn, Mitchell and Kevin were there waiting for her along with Jesus. We reassured her that we would be OK and would take care of each other. After 7 hours of this we couldn’t bear it any longer so I called upon my prayer warriors. I texted my Spiritual Director and a few dear friends and asked them to pray that this would end soon. Within 30 minutes her breathing settled down and she was at peace. She no longer cried out when we moved her.

God was with us in so many ways during those last few weeks through the love and support of friends. We always had food to eat and anything else we needed without asking. My sister Julie works for the Associated Press and her correspondent in Rome had Mass said for my mom by Pope Benedict XVI. The hospice chaplain was a friend of the family and also a Eucharistic Minister. He came to the house and had a Communion service for us before he left town. The Deacon from my parents’ parish, who had also watched his wife die of cancer, was a great support. He brought Communion to my mom when she was still able to consume it. One day he brought his guitar and sang, he has a beautiful voice, and we prayed the Rosary together. And in so many other ways we were surrounded with love and lifted up in prayer.

By that night we were all so tired. This was the 10^th day that we had been at her side 24 hours a day. Two of us were constantly at her side and the rest of us were always nearby. We would rotate taking short naps in the bedrooms. That night I went to lie down for a few hours in my old bedroom and fell into a peaceful sleep. A storm was moving in and a few hours later my niece woke me up because this was it. As I walked to the den, the grandfather clock was striking midnight, there was a loud clap of thunder and my mom took her final breath. We joked that she was making quite an entrance into heaven. Her pain and suffering were over. She was able to die in her home surrounded by her children, grandchildren and our dad. How much more perfect could it have been? 

Even in the Silence

Yesterday I met with Fr. Jason for some guidance. I mentioned that I can’t feel God’s presence anymore. I know God is there and He is the one I cry out to but I don’t feel him respond. I haven’t lost faith in God. I just believe that there are times when God is silent and this is one of them for me. We talked about how hard work has been. He asked if I was thinking about finding another job. I told him "no." I know this is where God wants me to be. This is my calling and I don’t doubt that for a minute. The anniversary of my mom’s death is on 9/16 and it was this time last year that my friend betrayed me. I know the combination of all of these things is what is weighing me down and causing me to feel overwhelmed. I thought he would think it was ridiculous that I still hurt over that broken relationship but he said the pain is real. The betrayal was deep and things have been left unresolved so of course I still hurt. He said I should grieve as if it were a death because in a way it is. And anniversaries are always hard. I asked him the question I asked myself in my last meditation. How do you know when you have completely forgiven someone? He said when you no longer feel anger or a desire for revenge. The hurt can remain even if we have forgiven.

He told me that we find God in the moment. The name Emmanuel is so important because it means God with us. And when God and Jesus respond, I AM, when asked who they are, it is because he is here right here, right now. We don’t find God looking back and asking all the “what ifs” and we can’t worry about what tomorrow is going to bring because that just causes us anxiety and we miss the moment right now when God is right beside us. I really tried last night to just be in the moment and open to God. He was still silent but at least I wasn't worrying about other things. 

Lord, I know you are here even when I can’t feel you or hear your gentle whispers. Help me to find peace even in this silence. Help me to bear this cross with humility and with a trust that you are carrying it with me.

The Courage to Be Healed

In today’s gospel, Matthew 18:21-35, we again we hear about forgiveness. How fitting that it falls on the 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I have listened to and read many stories about survivors of the attacks and the loved ones of those killed in the attacks. For those who have moved on, the common thread that has allowed them to do this is forgiveness. Unforgiveness keeps us stuck; it causes us to be bitter and angry, desiring revenge. It eats away at us and clouds our view of the world.

How do we know when we have forgiven someone completely? Will there be no more pain when we think about that moment of betrayal? Is it possible to forgive someone and still have pain as you work through the betrayal? I don’t know the answer to these questions. But I do know that it takes time to learn to trust again, it takes courage to be vulnerable again, to be open to love. I think I have forgiven completely but as the anniversary of that day approaches and the memory of the events leading up to that moment of betrayal fill my mind, I am not so sure. My heart aches. Is it because I haven’t forgiven him completely? Is it sadness over the loss of a deep relationship that had sustained me through some difficult times in my life? Even though I find myself hurting, I do know that I am stronger because of this. I have learned things about myself that I didn’t know before. I have felt the love of God at a more profound depth because it was He who was holding me up. It is God who brings good out of evil.

I read something this week that someone sent to me about healing. It said that most people aren’t looking for true healing because it is hard and painful work, they are only seeking relief. The only way to be healed is to journey toward the center of our pain. It is there that we find the Lord waiting for us. The article included the following.

The Lord Jesus was journeying one day through Jericho (Luke 18:35) and a certain blind man kept calling out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Finally the Lord stopped and asked this blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” A strange question, perhaps, to ask of a blind man. But consider that this man’s life will be totally changed if Jesus heals him. More will be expected of him and it will no longer be tolerated that he should sit and beg of others. All that he has known will vanish as a new world, and new expectations dawn on him. So Jesus asks what he really wants, healing or relief? “Lord I want to see!” And he not only saw, but proceeded to follow Jesus up the road. A new vision, a new path, a new destination, a new life. (Msgr. Charles Pope) It takes courage to be healed!

Enlighten Me

Today’s gospel asks, “Can a blind person guide a blind person?” And it ends telling us to remove the wooden beam from our own eye first, so that we can see clearly. I don’t need to worry about what others are doing. Often times we focus on other’s faults so that we don’t have to look at ourselves. It is through prayer that God sheds light on the areas of our lives that need healing. It is when we sit before him that he provides us with the gift of self-awareness. He sheds light on the dark places that we often don’t want to believe that we possess. When we acknowledge our sins and failings, it is then that we receive the grace to overcome them. God is the one who opens the eyes of the blind.

Lord, I humbly approach your throne and ask you to reveal to me, with your gentle compassion, the areas in my life that need to be purified. You know how difficult it is for me to look at the darkness in my heart. Give me the courage to not cower when you enlighten me through prayer to the things that need to change. You are full of gentleness and compassion, so let me, in confidence, ask for your forgiveness.

I love the words to the song, Clean Hands, and sing them often when I am tempted by the things of this world. I long to seek His face and be free of the things that keep me blind.

“We bow our hearts, we bend our knees. Oh Spirit, come make us humble. We turn our eyes from evil things. Oh Lord, we cast down our idols. So give us clean hands, give us pure hearts. Let us not lift our souls to another. Oh God, let us be a generation that seeks, seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob.”

Valiant Warrior

As I was praying this morning and thinking about work yesterday, giving thanks to God for getting me through the day, I was reflecting on the visit with a particular patient. Crystal is 18 years old and has a recurrence of her cancer. There are many things about her situation which make her prognosis poor. If you look at the data, her chance of long-term survival is 0%. When we met with her and her parents yesterday the doctor mentioned that we were very confident that we would cure her of her cancer when she was first diagnosed. But now that it is back, we aren’t as confident that we can cure her. She immediately said, “Well I am confident that I will be cured.”

When I was reflecting on her words this morning, what I heard were Jesus’ words to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan.” (Matthew 16:23) These were strong words that took me by surprise during my prayer time. Were those words meant for me? The word satan literally means an adversary or one who opposes us in the accomplishment of our designs. I don’t think Crystal saw us as an adversary; we would love to be able to cure her cancer. But she does need us to have the same confidence that she does, believing that we will beat this cancer. She wants us to be warriors in her fight, to aggressively treat this horrible disease to the best of our ability. When I saw her and her parents, I wanted to hug them all and tell them I was sorry. I didn’t do this and now I am really glad that I didn’t, God gave me the foresight to not do this. She doesn’t need me to say that I am sorry and to act as if we are defeated.

Sometimes when we see so much sickness or violence around us we begin to be pulled under by it. We think what is this world coming to? It used to not be this way. But that isn’t true. There has always been sickness and violence in the world; but there is also so much joy and beauty, healing and peace. I know that my job makes me more acutely aware of my blessings and I have to always put those first and foremost in my thoughts so that they aren’t clouded by the sickness that is a part of my everyday life.

Lord, help me to always look at the world through your eyes; to see the beauty in all things that you have created. Help me to be a warrior for my patients against this horrible disease no matter what the odds. And if it is your will that we are not successful in treating the cancer, help me to be filled with compassion and hope, for even in death there is glory.

My Refuge

“Only in God be at rest, my soul, for from him comes my hope. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed. Trust in him at all times, O my people! Pour out your heart before him; God is our refuge!” (Psalm 62:2-3, 9)

There are times that I seek to find peace in others, or in situations that I know have brought me comfort in the past. And while I know we are here on this earth for one another, it is only in God that our soul is able to rest. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling anxious and struggling with a few things so I called my counselor to see if she could see me. We meet very infrequently now, and I just call her on an as needed basis. But as soon as I made the appointment I could physically feel my anxiety decrease. When I arrived for my appointment I found out that she double-booked for that hour and would have to reschedule. Immediately my anxiety increased and I wondered how I was going to get through the next few days. She apologized and I told her that God must know that I can handle what I am going through. How easy it was for me to say that, but to believe it in my heart was something I needed to take to our Lord in prayer. So I went to the Adoration chapel and prayed for an increase in my faith. I prayed that God would pour out his grace on me so that I would seek to find peace only in Him. I know that God loves me for who I am and where I am at on my journey but when I reflect on the times that I struggle; I see myself trying to do things on my own. I feel that God has other things to deal with than my anxiety, so I try to find peace in the things that have helped me in the past. The image I have of God is him shaking his head at me, wondering when I am going to get it. When am I going to realize that he wants all of me? He wants all of my fears and anxieties, all of my joys and sorrows, all of my successes and failures. He will refresh my soul and bring me peace if I would just let him and not decide what I think is or isn’t worth his time. 

Our Brother’s Keeper

“If I tell the wicked man that he shall surely die, and you do not speak out to dissuade the wicked man from his way, he shall die for his guilt, but I will hold you responsible for his death. But if you warn the wicked man, trying to turn him from his way, and he refuses to turn from his way, he shall die for his guilt, but you shall save yourself.” (Ezekiel 33:8-9)

Our faith is not lived out individually but in communion with one another. We are here to help one another get to heaven. We are called to speak the Truth even when it makes others and ourselves uncomfortable. None of us like to have our faults pointed out to us. But when it is done out of love, it is easier to swallow. During a group conversation several years ago, a friend asked the priest, “How can I tell my daughter not to have premarital sex when I did the same thing myself? When I brought it up she threw that in my face, reminding me that I had premarital sex and I was being a hypocrite.” The priest reminded us that we are all sinners, we have all made mistakes but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t speak the Truth. We can use our own lives to show how God is working on us. How he is calling us to turn away from sin. By sharing our own struggles with sin we help the person to see that we are not being judgmental, we are here to help them live a life that is holy.

When we turn a blind eye to someone living in a way that goes against out Christian values, whether it is out of fear, laziness, or for some other reason, then we are responsible. Sometimes we really wish someone didn’t intervene and show us the Truth. In 2003, a priest told me that I was not supposed to be receiving the sacraments because my marriage wasn’t in accordance with Catholic doctrine. By this time, we had been married 17 years and my faith was deepening. My job allowed me to attend daily Mass. Being told I couldn’t go to communion until our marriage was convalidated was a stab in the heart for me and caused many tears. We had to get my husband’s first marriage annulled and it was a long, arduous process. It wasn’t until 18 months later that our marriage was convalidated. During this time my sister, who lives in another state, asked her priest about this. He told her that what I was told is what the Church teaches but that she could continue to receive the sacraments. At first I was angry that her priest let her, while mine wouldn’t, but I am glad that my priest stood firm in the Church’s teachings and not give into the pressures of society. It was during these 18 months that my faith deepened immensely and my marriage grew stronger.

“Whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” (James 5:20)

Refresh My Soul

“Word of God speak. Would you pour down like rain washing my eyes to see your majesty? To be still and know that you’re in this place, please let me stay and rest, in your holiness. Word of God speak” ~ Mercy Me

 Lord, help me to see your majesty in all this sadness and death at work. Help me to feel you in the midst of all of this. I know this is what you have called me to do, to minister to your children with cancer, but sometimes I really struggle. And now is one of those times. Is it because we have had so much bad news lately? I know it tends to come in waves but this has been a long storm. Is it because so many of the children that I have cared for, those that I know and love, are the ones that are relapsing and dying? I can’t do this unless I do it out of love, which means my heart is going to ache. Help me to be still and rest in your holiness and allow you to refresh my soul.

Sometimes I think it is best just to push through it, stay busy and don’t think about it. But when I constantly do that I find myself where I am at today; ready to fall apart any second. I am on the verge of tears and just want to be left alone. I know this isn’t fair to my family because they need me too. They don’t understand. They know work has been hard and that we have had a lot of relapses and death but it doesn’t mean the same to them. They don’t know these beautiful children and their amazing parents. They don’t see all the suffering that they endure even when we do our best to alleviate their symptoms.

In today’s reading, St. Paul, in his letter to the Colossians, tells them to, “persevere in the faith, firmly grounded, stable, and not shifting from the hope of the Gospel.” (Colossians1:23) Lord, let the hope of the Gospel keep me steadfast in my faith especially during these difficult times of doing your work. Help me to find a balance where I can grieve yet be refreshed. To give of myself while protecting my heart from constantly hurting. I know it is only by your grace that I am able to do this work, so let me never doubt that you are always beside me.

"A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, and must empty ourselves. Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in his love than in your weakness." — Mother Teresa