Refresh My Soul

“Word of God speak. Would you pour down like rain washing my eyes to see your majesty? To be still and know that you’re in this place, please let me stay and rest, in your holiness. Word of God speak” ~ Mercy Me

 Lord, help me to see your majesty in all this sadness and death at work. Help me to feel you in the midst of all of this. I know this is what you have called me to do, to minister to your children with cancer, but sometimes I really struggle. And now is one of those times. Is it because we have had so much bad news lately? I know it tends to come in waves but this has been a long storm. Is it because so many of the children that I have cared for, those that I know and love, are the ones that are relapsing and dying? I can’t do this unless I do it out of love, which means my heart is going to ache. Help me to be still and rest in your holiness and allow you to refresh my soul.

Sometimes I think it is best just to push through it, stay busy and don’t think about it. But when I constantly do that I find myself where I am at today; ready to fall apart any second. I am on the verge of tears and just want to be left alone. I know this isn’t fair to my family because they need me too. They don’t understand. They know work has been hard and that we have had a lot of relapses and death but it doesn’t mean the same to them. They don’t know these beautiful children and their amazing parents. They don’t see all the suffering that they endure even when we do our best to alleviate their symptoms.

In today’s reading, St. Paul, in his letter to the Colossians, tells them to, “persevere in the faith, firmly grounded, stable, and not shifting from the hope of the Gospel.” (Colossians1:23) Lord, let the hope of the Gospel keep me steadfast in my faith especially during these difficult times of doing your work. Help me to find a balance where I can grieve yet be refreshed. To give of myself while protecting my heart from constantly hurting. I know it is only by your grace that I am able to do this work, so let me never doubt that you are always beside me.

"A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, and must empty ourselves. Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in his love than in your weakness." — Mother Teresa