Yesterday I met with Fr. Jason for some guidance. I mentioned that I can’t feel God’s presence anymore. I know God is there and He is the one I cry out to but I don’t feel him respond. I haven’t lost faith in God. I just believe that there are times when God is silent and this is one of them for me. We talked about how hard work has been. He asked if I was thinking about finding another job. I told him "no." I know this is where God wants me to be. This is my calling and I don’t doubt that for a minute. The anniversary of my mom’s death is on 9/16 and it was this time last year that my friend betrayed me. I know the combination of all of these things is what is weighing me down and causing me to feel overwhelmed. I thought he would think it was ridiculous that I still hurt over that broken relationship but he said the pain is real. The betrayal was deep and things have been left unresolved so of course I still hurt. He said I should grieve as if it were a death because in a way it is. And anniversaries are always hard. I asked him the question I asked myself in my last meditation. How do you know when you have completely forgiven someone? He said when you no longer feel anger or a desire for revenge. The hurt can remain even if we have forgiven.
He told me that we find God in the moment. The name Emmanuel is so important because it means God with us. And when God and Jesus respond, I AM, when asked who they are, it is because he is here right here, right now. We don’t find God looking back and asking all the “what ifs” and we can’t worry about what tomorrow is going to bring because that just causes us anxiety and we miss the moment right now when God is right beside us. I really tried last night to just be in the moment and open to God. He was still silent but at least I wasn't worrying about other things.
Lord, I know you are here even when I can’t feel you or hear your gentle whispers. Help me to find peace even in this silence. Help me to bear this cross with humility and with a trust that you are carrying it with me.
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