Remember His Mercy

How do we know if our reality coincides with the truth? How culpable is someone for their actions when they are so wounded inside that they don’t see the hurt they cause others? How do we get to a place where we let go and pray, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do?”

I’ve been that person. The wounds inflicted on me as a child caused me to trust no one, to shut down so that no one could ever hurt me like that again. I was almost consumed with fear. I was afraid to love and afraid to be loved. I was moving through life but not living. So many times I would flinch from the touch of another. I would feel the fear rising up in me. Many times I just wanted to fade into the woodwork. Praise be to God for reaching down from on high and rescuing me! He has been revealing to me his Truth and slowly stripping away the lies and fears that bound me. Jesus is not afraid to go to the core of our shame and heal us. The Blood of the Lamb washes away our sin and shame.

How could I forget how merciful and patient the Lord has been with me? My judgmental attitude and pride kept me from even being open to the possibility that maybe he didn’t mean to hurt me intentionally. His words pierced me in a place that he knew was tender and fragile. How could he have not done it on purpose? The Lord has reminded me this week how many times I lashed out when others got too close to me. Even though I allowed them to see a part of me that was vulnerable, if they tried to get any closer, I lashed out. I intentionally pushed them away because I was afraid to be vulnerable. I was afraid of being loved because then I would be hurt again. God helped me to see that this is exactly what he did to me. Our friendship was getting to be more than he could deal with. He allowed me to walk beside him through a trying time but it was too much, he had made himself vulnerable, and he hated that. So he wrote me out of his life and saw nothing wrong with it at all. To him it made perfect sense and it still does, that is why there is no way to reconcile things right now.

I have prayed many, many times for God to help me be at peace. And I finally understand why I had to let go and it can’t be any other way. God gave me the courage to walk away and now I need the fortitude to stay away. To not give in to the tugs on my heart that tempt me to continue clinging to something that is over. My anger has been replaced with compassion and I pray that he will allow God to bind up his wounds and heal the hurt in his heart.