Kindred Spirits

“A kind mouth multiplies friends, and gracious lips prompt friendly greetings. Let your acquaintances be many, but one in a thousand your confidant. When you gain a friend, first test him, and be not too ready to trust him. For one sort of friend is a friend when it suits him, but he will not be with you in time of distress. Another is a friend who becomes an enemy, and tells of the quarrel to your shame. Another is a friend, a boon companion, who will not be with you when sorrow comes. When things go well, he is your other self, and lords it over your servants; But if you are brought low, he turns against you and avoids meeting you. Keep away from your enemies; be on your guard with your friends. A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure. A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance his worth. A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds; for he who fears God behaves accordingly, and his friend will be like himself.” (Sirach 6:5-17)

This weekend has been bittersweet. Yesterday I drove with my best friend to her new home in Florida. The ride was very long, 17 hours in a car, with two dogs no less, but it provided us some special time before she settles into her new life. Jennifer and I met many years ago while working together at Children’s but our friendship really grew during graduate school. We are both passionate about caring for sick children and have an extra tender spot for those who have tough lives. I know it is because we can empathize with them.

The thing that really sealed our friendship though is our mutual love for our Lord. We both grew up in the Catholic faith and have a deep love for the traditions and teachings of the Church. Just as “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8), so is the Catholic Church. The Church was founded by Jesus Christ so it will forever stand. We went to Mass this morning at her new parish and it brought me comfort knowing that my boys were hearing the same readings as we were as well as Catholics all around the world.

Jennifer and I had deep wounds and were determined to never let anyone get too close to us because we didn’t ever want to be hurt like that again. But just as we both have a tender spot for the children we care for that have been hurt emotionally, our Lord has an extra tender spot for his children who have been wounded by the sins of others. He has covered our wounds with his healing salve of love and all we have are the scar to remind us of his healing power. The LORD "heals the brokenhearted, binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)

“When you gain a friend, first test him, and be not too ready to trust him.” We both took this scripture to heart and our friendship was a slow and steady deepening of love for one another. We began to trust each other and our faith grew deeper. We don’t wallow in self pity. We know that all of our trials have made us stronger and more grateful for the blessings He has bestowed on us. "A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds; for he who fears God behaves accordingly, and his friend will be like himself.” Our friendship has been life-saving for both of us. We would have battled through this life without one another because we are both determined and head-strong. But now we travel on this journey together, with a new outlook. Our eyes have been opened to the wonders of God’s love for us. We are learning to bask in His glory and truly believe in our hearts that we are daughters of the King and are made in His image and His likeness, we are wonderfully made!

On our drive we sang along with the Christian music on her CDs; her beautiful singing voice and my not so beautiful singing voice. She also had to listen to me sob when it hit me that she would be staying there and I would be heading back to Dallas today. We talked about our deepest struggles, the things that only our confessor knows. She helps me find that balance between shame and indifference toward my sins; reminding me of God’s mercy and His forgiveness that we receive through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. And also the grace we receive when we stand strong against temptation.

Things will change for us. I know our love for one another will always run deep and we will be there for each other any time of the day or night but it isn’t the same as having her present to give me a hug or to laugh together so hard that tears are running down my cheeks and my stomach hurts. “A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance his worth.”

Speaking the Truth

Today’s gospel is about the death of John the Baptist. John wasn’t afraid to speak the truth even to King Herod, telling him, “It is not lawful for you to have her.” (Matthew 14:4) The truth is sometimes hard to hear. We may choose to ignore it or get angry like Herodias did, wanting to have John killed. We allow others to persuade us to do what is wrong because they may think less of us. Herod knew that John was a righteous and holy man and even feared him. He liked to listen to John speak and was intrigued by his words. Herod foolishly told Herodias’ daughter that he would grant her anything that she wished, over a dance. How easily we are caught up in things of this world and our own selfish pleasures. And when she asked for John’s head on a platter, “The king was distressed, but because of his oaths and the guests who were present, he ordered that it be given, and he had John beheaded in the prison.” (Matthew 14:9-10) He could have easily told her that was ridiculous and he wouldn’t allow such a thing but he wanted to save face. He was worried about his own reputation over the life of a righteous man.

This is an extreme case but there are times that we chose to do the same thing. We make promises without much thought because someone has tapped into a desire of ours. And rather than admitting we made a mistake or out of fear of ridicule we compromise our morals. When I hear things, whether it be from a friend or foe, and it sets off a strong emotion in me I try to discern why this has happened. Is it because what has been spoken is the truth? Last September a friend said some very hurtful things to me that rocked my world. Once I got over the devastation, I prayed for an open heart. If he did speak the truth, I wanted to be able to face it. But he didn’t speak the truth, he was just saying those things to intentionally hurt me and push me away. It took some soul searching to work through this and once I realized that it wasn’t true, I had to let it go.

I do know that when a certain scripture passage or homily causes me to become defensive it is because I am hearing the Truth and don’t necessarily want to believe it because that means there is something that needs to change, either an attitude or action that is not in line with God’s expectations. These truths may make me uncomfortable but they won’t cause my heart to break because God is speaking them out of love for me. I must die to my selfish ways in order to be his disciple.

“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” (Mark 8:35)

Having a Mary Heart

The words that Jesus speaks to Martha in today’s gospel are often spoken to me as well. “Kelly, Kelly, ‘you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing.’” (Luke 10:42-43)

I am learning to trust God more and more. I tend to think things through, figuring out what I will do if things turn out bad, anticipating that it will, and even changing my decision instead of allowing God to surprise me.

“I wrote this book because much of our talk doesn’t match our lives. We say things like, ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,’ and ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart.’ Then we live and plan like we don’t believe that God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn’t come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God’s fidelity to His promises.” (Crazy Love, p.168) I am learning, day by day, to live like this, holding nothing back; living in total surrender to God.

Martha was rebuked by Jesus not for her work but for allowing her work to make her lose sight of love. We minister to God, serve God, through our neighbor. When our giving, our service to others, isn’t motivated by love than it is worth nothing. We must be both Mary and Martha. We must sit before the Lord and listen to him as Mary did; allow him to calm our anxious heart and renew our spirit. There is much work to be done in the world but we must always do it out of love for God and our neighbor.

God’s Dwelling Place

I love the Psalms. They express our human emotions so well. There are Psalms of praise and worship, thanksgiving, lament, pleas, cries, joyful songs, divine works, great sorrow, desperation, awe and wonder.

Today’s Psalm, 84, is one of my favorites.

"How lovely your dwelling, O LORD of hosts! My soul yearns and pines for the courts of the LORD, my heart and flesh cry out for the living God.” (Psalm 84:2-3)

My soul aches to know our Lord more intimately. And although I long for Him there are times when I would rather be lazy in my spiritual life. I would rather sleep in a little longer instead of going to daily Mass. I know I don’t have to go to daily Mass, but it is so good for my soul. It is a great way to start my day especially when I know it is going to be a hard day at work. And lately every day has been hard. I came home a few weeks ago and told my husband I wanted to go see a funny, “no brainer” movie so that I wouldn’t have to think. Parts of it were very funny but other parts were really raunchy. I should have gotten up and left but it was much easier to stay and laugh along with everyone else.

As they pass through the Baca valley, they find spring water to drink. Also from pools the Lord provides water for those who lose their way. (Psalm 84:7)

God always provides for us even when we stray and lose our way. He is always drawing us back to him because this is where we belong. “Better one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.” (Psalm 84:11) My counselor once quoted this passage when we were talking about something I was struggling with. She reminded me that one day with our Lord is better than a thousand days of earthly, fleeting pleasures.

I think of his dwelling place as something that I am striving for but during his homily this morning the priest reminded us that through Baptism we become sons and daughters of God and we become His dwelling place. We are his tabernacles. 

Blessings

Here are some of the lyrics to a new song by Laura Story called Blessings

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life 
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Today is my birthday, and as I reflect back over the past year I can see the places that God has helped me to be more in step with the person he created me to be and the places that I need to continue to work on, inviting Christ to be present instead of hiding those places from him.

There have been trials and healing in my physical, emotional and spiritual well being. I spent last fall having many medical tests done to try and find out the cause of the neurological symptoms I have developed. EEG, EMG, MRIs, CT scan, bone scan, PET scan, sonograms, tons of blood work, etc. Each test revealed a new problem but gave us no answers. It was a time of anxiety and stress, an opportunity to deepen my trust in the Lord and a time of miracles. The PET scan revealed a positive nodule on my thyroid, an incidental finding. The day I went in for the biopsy, I received the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick and when they did the sonogram to locate the nodule for the biopsy, it wasn’t there! I got down on my knees before the Blessed Sacrament and gave praise and thanks to God. My neurological symptoms continue and my medical problems remain somewhat of a mystery but I give thanks for each day that I am blessed with.

It was also a year of trials and suffering for our son, Andrew. He suffers from severe, chronic headaches that got progressively worse throughout the year. We have no answers to the cause and have tried everything imaginable to alleviate the pain. Watching my child suffer and not be able to do anything about it was much more difficult than any pain I encounter personally. His suffering has allowed me to draw closer to our Mother, Mary who watched her son endure horrific suffering. I have wanted to have a deeper relationship with Mary, and now I have a connection that I can draw upon.

I am settling into a new normal since my mother’s death. I have heard many people say that the second year after the death is often harder. The numbness has worn off and the pain is more palpable. Most people think you “should be over it by now.” But you are never “over it,” you will never go back to being the person you were before the death. But your life settles into a new normal. It sometimes seems like just yesterday that she died and other times, forever.

God has blessed me abundantly!! I have a wonderful husband, and two amazing, loving sons. He has placed beautiful, holy people in my life that have walked with me on my journey of faith and I will never be able to repay them for all of their love and support. He has blessed me with a job that I love and in which I can see miracles happen every day. I am able to celebrate with the children and their families as they finish their treatments and go on to live long healthy lives. And I am privileged to be a part of the lives of those who are dying and get a glimpse of their journey toward eternal life. Working with these families makes me truly appreciate the little things in life that mean so much and forget about the nonsense that tries to rob me of my joy. I do believe that the "trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are His mercies in disguise."

The Lord is Kind and Merciful

“Not according to our sins does he deal with us, nor does he requite us according to our crimes.
For as the heavens are high above the earth, so surpassing is his kindness toward those who fear him.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he put our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him.”  (Psalm 103:10-12)

Today’s Psalm reminds us of our heavenly Father’s compassion for his sons and daughters. Thank goodness he doesn’t deal with us according to our sins! Whenever I read the passage about him placing our transgressions as far from us as the east is from the west, the image I get is of him stretching his arms out on the cross out of love for each one of us. Jesus wants us to acknowledge our sins and seek his forgiveness through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This beautiful gift allows us to be renewed and strengthened. We will always struggle against the temptations of sin. But scripture reminds us, “Blessed is the man who perseveres in temptation, for when he has been proved he will receive the crown of life that he promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12)

Jesus became “like his brothers in every way, that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest before God to expiate the sins of the people. Because he himself was tested through what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested.” (Hebrews 2:17-18) I used to have a hard time believing that Jesus could really understand my struggles with temptation but he was tried just as we are, the difference is that he never gave into the temptations and sinned. So he is the perfect person to turn to when faced with temptations. When faced with my temptations alone, especially the ones that I really struggle with, I am doomed to give into them and sin against our Lord. “No one experiencing temptation should say, ‘I am being tempted by God’; for God is not subject to temptation to evil, and he himself tempts no one. Rather, each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire conceives and brings forth sin, and when sin reaches maturity it gives birth to death. (James 1:13-15)

I went to confession the other night while at Shepherd’s Café and went to a priest I did not know. I was torn when I finished because he said some things that I really didn’t want to hear. But I went before the Blessed Sacrament and prayed about it, asking God to give me an open heart and mind to what the priest had mentioned. His words were a challenge for me because they require me to take things to a deeper level. I am so thankful for the priests who take the time during confession to give us some guidance, helping us to see things more clearly and honestly. And for also reminding me of God’s love for me. Reminding me that God is pleased every time we frequent the sacrament seeking His forgiveness and that I should rejoice when God has given me the grace to turn my back on sin when the temptations are stronger than ever.

Dear heavenly Father,

Give me the grace to always seek your strength in times of temptation and give me the courage to run to you when I do fall into sin. Help me to persevere and to rise again when I fall, always trusting in your love and compassion. Amen.

James

Today is the Feast of St. James. I was struggling with my meditation for today and finally set it aside last night because it was way past my bedtime and I kept hitting a mental block. But as I climbed into bed I realized I needed to share with you the miracles surrounding my nephew, James.

My sister Julie and I share a medical condition called antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. The antibodies cause blood clots to form and during pregnancy the clots can form in the placenta causing fetal death. This was the cause of my two miscarriages. After my sister had her miscarriage and with her history of a blood clot in her leg, I encouraged her to have her blood tested for the antibodies. Part of the management for this condition is to be placed on heparin and low dose aspirin (blood thinners) during the pregnancy. This will prevent the clots from forming but also puts the mother at risk for bleeding. This is an over simplification of a very complex condition. When my sister was 33 weeks pregnant she began having horrible right shoulder pain. When she went to see her doctor she was found to have pre-eclampsia and some other severe complications and they needed to induce labor. James was born weighing 3 lbs, was placed on a ventilator and taken to the NICU. My sister was discharged from the hospital a few days later, her symptoms resolving with the delivery of her baby, or so we thought. She began having the terrible pain in her shoulder again and was taken to the ER. A MRI showed a large bleed in her liver and it was on the verge of rupturing which would cause her to bleed to death. That night we were told she had a 50/50 chance of making it through the night. My sister survived the incident and slowly her liver healed. While my sister was in the ICU a friend wrote the following scripture in a card for me, “Whoever clings to me I will deliver; whoever knows my name I will set on high. All who call upon me I will answer; I will be with them in distress; I will deliver them and give them honor. With length of days I will satisfy them and show them my saving power.” (Psalm 91:14-16)

 After a month in the NICU, James was finally able to go home. He was hooked up to a monitor 24 hours a day to monitor his heart and breathing. One day my sister placed him in the bassinet after feeding him and a few minutes later the alarm went off, when she walked over to check on him he was blue. She had to perform CPR on her baby. Thank God they required her to learn it before they let James go home. She was able to get him breathing again even before the ambulance got there.

James was one of the reasons my mom was able to hang on so long after her diagnosis of colon cancer. She developed life-threatening complications after her second course of chemotherapy and had to stop treatment so we knew it was only a matter of time before it progressed. My mom was a different person around James, patient and joyful. As she was nearing death, she was so worried that he would not remember her. He wasn’t even 2 years old when she died. My family goes to “Mimi’s Garden” (the cemetery) every Friday and puts fresh flowers on the graves of her and my two brothers. Before they leave, he will lean over, kiss the headstone and tell Mimi goodnight. James has also been a Godsend for my dad through his grief. He watches him a couple afternoons a week. The other day, out of the blue, James looked at my dad and said, “Do you remember Mimi?” My dad said, “Of course I do.” James asked if they could go get her because he missed her, my dad said they couldn’t because she was in heaven, and he said, “That’s right, she is in heaven with God.”

An Understanding Heart

In today’s first reading, God said to king Solomon, “Ask something of me and I will give it to you.” Solomon could have asked for anything; great riches, a long life, death to his enemies. But instead he said, “Give your servant, therefore, an understanding heart to judge your people and to distinguish right from wrong.”  God was pleased with Solomon’s request and said, “I give you a heart so wise and understanding that there has never been anyone like you up to now, and after you there will come no one equal to you.” (1 Kings 3:5,9,12)

Two things I pray for every day are wisdom and compassion. We encounter people throughout the day and it is so easy to cast judgment on them; to think they are over-reacting to a situation or not behaving how we think they should. We have no idea what people are dealing with.

Many years ago I was teaching 1^st grade Religious Education. The way the schedule was set; there were three “shifts” of classes back to back with 10 minutes in between classes. We had 5 minutes from the time our class ended until the next class’ teachers were coming into the room to prepare for their class. It was very chaotic. The parents were in the halls picking up their children, the next group of students was in the hall with their parents, waiting to come in. One of the teachers that taught after us was very impatient and expected us to be out of the room in those 5 minutes and made it very clear that she was unhappy when that did not happen. A couple of months into the year we had a meeting for the teachers to talk about how things were going. This woman was complaining about the situation and in particular about the previous week. I explained that I was one of the teachers in that class but that I was out the previous week and before I could even explain why; she said that if I made the commitment to teach then I should be there! Her tone was so ugly and my eyes began to tear up. The reason I wasn’t there was because I found out the previous Friday that my 16 week old baby had died in utero. For four years we had tried to have a baby and now had my second miscarriage; would I ever be able to carry another pregnancy to term? I was devastated! I was too upset to explain the situation and I am not sure she would have even been sorry for her rudeness.

When families are dealing with their child having cancer, the pain, fear, and challenges they face are overwhelming and yet many of these families are also facing other challenges such as a recent divorce, a recent death in the family, loss of a job, illness in another family member or many other situations. Or the diagnosis of their child’s cancer brings up the fear that they are going to die just like grandma did from her cancer. We try and provide support to each of our families but they all come from different backgrounds, they all have preconceived ideas of what this diagnosis means and it takes time for us to learn these things. We have to earn their trust and care for them with the compassion and love of Christ. When they yell at us out of fear or frustration we have to let it roll off of our backs and see them through Christ’s eyes.

Wisdom isn’t always an easy thing. Often times it would be easy to “play dumb” and do what we want to do instead of what we know is right in our heart. I love the following scripture passage on wisdom.

“Stoop your shoulders and carry her and be not irked at her bonds. With all your soul draw close to her; with all your strength keep her ways. Search her out, discover her; seek her and you will find her. Then when you have her, do not let her go; thus will you afterward find rest in her, and she will become your joy. Her fetters will be your throne of majesty; her bonds, your purple cord. You will wear her as your robe of glory, bear her as your splendid crown.” (Sirach 6:26-31). 

Wheat and Weeds

“The kingdom of heaven may be likened to a man who sowed good seed in his field. While everyone was asleep his enemy came and sowed weeds all through the wheat, and then went off. When the crop grew and bore fruit, the weeds appeared as well.” (Matthew 13: 24-26)

During his homily this morning the priest mentioned that we often sow the seeds that become weeds. We can do this with what we watch on TV, listen to on the radio, see at the movie theater or look at on the internet. There are many things out there that go against our Christian beliefs and even if we are careful to avoid the things that are obviously wrong we can still hinder the wheat from growing by spending too much time “surfing the net” or parked in front of the TV watching mindless television instead of enriching our soil. We need to spend more time in prayer, more time studying scripture and more time giving of ourselves; living out our faith.

We allow the seeds from the enemy to be planted through sin. Things that we do that may not seem like much, the “little white lie,” quickly become out of control. One lie often leads to another. We may even be the one to plant the weeds in other’s hearts. I was once told that evil enters the world through my sin. I know there is evil in the world but to hear that I am an instrument in which evil enters the world was a wake-up call. “Things that cause sin will inevitably occur, but woe to the person through whom they occur. It would be better for him if a millstone were put around his neck and he be thrown into the sea than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.” (Luke 17:1-2)

“’Do you want us to go and pull them up?’” He replied, ‘No, if you pull up the weeds you might uproot the wheat along with them. Let them grow together until harvest; then at harvest time I will say to the harvesters, ‘First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles for burning; but gather the wheat into my barn.’” (Matthew 13:28-30)

Jesus allows good and evil to live side by side. At the time of our judgment; the two will be separated. Often times we wish that God would remove the evil from this world, but he knows that we all have good and evil within us. He gives us the chance to turn our lives around. We are also here to help one another get to heaven. When we overcome the temptation to fight evil with evil and forgive instead of holding onto the pain someone has caused us; offer kind words instead of returning hateful words with more hateful words; or give of ourselves knowing that our work will not be appreciated; we show the world what it means to live as Christ lived and we allow the light to overcome the darkness of sin.

Mary Magdalene

Today is the Memorial of Saint Mary Magdalene. She was a devoted disciple of Christ. “Accompanying him were the Twelve and some women who had been cured of evil spirits and infirmities. Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out.” (Luke 8:2) 

One of the first things noticed in the gospels about Jesus' attitude toward women is that he taught them the Gospel, the meaning of the Scriptures, and religious truths in general. When it is recalled that in Judaism it was considered improper, and even "obscene," to teach women the Scriptures, this action of Jesus was an extraordinary deliberate decision to break with a custom invidious to women. Moreover, women became disciples of Jesus, not only in the sense of learning from Him, but also in the sense of following Him in His travels and ministering to Him. The significance of this phenomenon of women following Jesus about, learning from and ministering to Him, can be properly appreciated when it is recalled that not only were women not to read or study the Scriptures, but in the more observant settings they were not even to leave their household, whether as a daughter, a sole wife, or a member of a harem. (Leonard Swidler)

Mary Magdalene was also present at the foot of the cross during the crucifixion of Jesus (John 19:25) and she is the first to see the risen Lord (John 20:15-18). At first she did not recognize Jesus in his resurrected body, but he only had to say one word, “Mary” and she knew it was him. The disciples on the road to Emmaus walked for miles and recognized Jesus only after he was with them “at table, he took bread, said the blessing, broke it, and gave it to them. With that their eyes were opened and they recognized him.” (Luke 24:13-31) At the Sea of Tiberias, the disciples fished for a long time and conversed with Jesus at some length and still did not realize it was him until he told them to cast their net to the right side of their boat and their nets were so full they were at risk of tearing. (John 21:1-7)

Mary Magdalene’s intimate relationship with Jesus was one of devotion and love. She is an example to all of us of how to live as a true disciple. She was grateful for her healing and followed him; learning from him how to live as a true disciple. She remained at his side through his death, not denying that she was one of his disciples; not turning her back on him as we sometimes do to one another when things are difficult or make us uncomfortable. She was rewarded by being the first person to whom our Lord chose to appear and was the messenger of Christ‘s resurrection to the Apostles. I would love to talk to her, to find out what it was like to be with Jesus, to have her demons driven out of her and receive complete healing; to know what it was like to learn from him first hand and how her heart rejoiced at seeing his resurrected body. 

Finding a Balance

But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the water, I will be with you; in the rivers you shall not drown. When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned the flames shall not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Ethiopia and Seba in return for you. Because you are precious in my eyes and glorious, and because I love you. I give men in return for you and peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; from the east I will bring back your descendents, from the west I will gather you.

I will say to the north: Give them up! and to the south: Hold not back! Bring back my sons from afar,

And my daughters from the ends of the earth: Everyone who is named as mine, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made. (Isaiah 43:1-7)

One of the women on the prayer team gave me some scripture to pray with that specifically focuses on God’s love for me. One of her suggestions was that passage from Isaiah. Below is my reflection on that scripture on 1/23/2011.

I’ve been shattered into a million pieces. For so long I have been wandering, picking up the pieces and trying to put me back together. I have been trying so hard but can’t seem to find all the pieces. God has brought people into my life that have helped me along the way. At first I hid from them, I didn’t want them to see how broken I was. And then I would hand them a few pieces, not sure I could trust them. Some people have gently put the pieces back together and with God’s love, they have healed. But others have taken the pieces I entrusted to them and shattered them. I bend down, trembling and weeping, to pick up the pieces, and when I rise they are gone. Why? Why would you do this to me? I thought you cared about me. I thought you loved me.

God is standing before me with his hands outstretched, wanting me to hand the pieces over to him. Satan is also near me, holding some of the pieces that he has gathered up and some that he has ripped away from me. God is telling Satan, “Give them up! Hold not back!” So here I stand, trembling and weeping. God demanding that Satan release his grip on me and Satan refusing to let go.”

I think God places people in our lives that help us to see God’s love, but how do you really know that you can trust them? Some of the people that God has brought into my life have been faithful. God has always been the foundation of their love for me. They have never shamed me or belittled me. They have built me up and have shown me that I am a precious daughter of the King. But others have hurt me, betrayed me after they have won my trust. We all have hurts. We have all been betrayed. That is what happens when you are willing to open yourself up to love. But I allowed that hurt to cripple me. I allowed my world to crumble because of this hurt. And this is where I have had to find a balance. I am learning how to open my heart, learning how to trust and be vulnerable but also learning to guard my heart; to never allow someone’s hurtful words to crush me again. I have to pick myself up, turn toward God and place all the hurt into his hands and allow the healing to occur. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen or cling to the pain, asking “Why?” over and over. I do have to acknowledge the hurt before forgiveness can occur and only with God’s grace can I truly forgive.

“Let us fall into the hands of the LORD and not into the hands of men, for equal to his majesty is the mercy that he shows.” (Sirach 2:18) 

His Abundant Harvest

“A sower went out to sow.  And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep, and when the sun rose it was scorched, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit, a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold.” (Matthew 13:3-8)

“The parable of the sower was Jesus’ figurative way of expressing his confidence in the harvest that would eventually spring from his ministry. Though some of his efforts are apparently wasted, just as some of the sower’s seed is lost, there will be a harvest in messianic abundance. The meaning, then, is confidence in the power of the word, and a reminder that the minister of the good news need not be concerned about immediate, tangible results. God’s word will bear fruit in due time.” (Companion God by George T. Montague)

I have never heard this meaning of the parable of the sower, but I like it! Jesus is confident that his ministry is not in vain. His harvest will be abundant and his disciples will bear much fruit. In order for us to be his disciple and bear fruit, we must surrender our whole being to God. We must take on a posture of obedience and surrender, and perpetually move toward Christ. We need to accept the word and not just understand it on an intellectual level but to embrace it and allow it to consume us. “One does not grasp the Word of God, one is grasped by it” (Companion God).

 Jesus is confident in his ministry and tells his disciples, “Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.  And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age."(Matthew 28:19-20) The gospel will be spread to all the end of the earth and one day "As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bend before me, and every tongue shall give praise to God." (Romans 14:11). Of this Jesus is confident.

The Will of My Father

"And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, 'Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my brother, and sister, and mother.'” (Matthew 12:50)

On the night he was betrayed, Jesus told his disciples, “I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another. This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35). We are called to love everyone that Jesus places in our lives. Sometimes it is easier to love a stranger because often times it is those nearest to us that cause the deepest wounds. Loving those that have hurt us deeply requires the love of Christ. It is only with God’s grace that we are able to forgive completely.

Being a disciple requires courage. Jesus commands everything from his followers. We are not to be lukewarm Christians but on fire with our love for the Lord! When we truly love Christ, our work is a manifestation of that love. God has a plan for each of us and no one else can do what we are called to do. We can’t compare ourselves to others. We have to continually look to Christ and discern His will for us. Am I doing all that God is asking of me? When we look around at what others are doing, pride may tell us that we’ve sacrificed more than others. Friends may say you’ve given enough, that it’s someone else’s turn now. But Jesus expects us to give more. When Jesus commissioned the Twelve, he told them, “Take nothing for the journey, neither walking stick, nor sack, nor food, nor money, and let no one take a second tunic.” (Luke 9:3) He was forcing them to trust God. God would have to come through for them because they had nothing else to fall back on. When people gladly sacrifice their time or comfort it is obvious that they trust in the promises of God.

David Timothy was born in Detroit, Michigan. He attended Western Michigan University and had a fulfilling career in the field of insurance where he specialized in pension organization. David was never homeless himself, but he grew up in a home where food was scarce and he experienced hunger first-hand. This gave him a tremendous compassion for the homeless and their daily struggle to find food to eat. So after many prayers he took a leap of faith and started the SoupMobile in 2003, here in Dallas. In that first year the SoupMobile served 5,000 meals. Today it serves more than 200,000 meals per year.

“Why is it that the story of someone who has actually done what Jesus commands resonates deeply with us, but we then assume we could never do anything so radical or intense? Or why do we call it radical when, to Jesus, it is simply the way it is? The way it should be?” (From the book Crazy Love, by Francis Chan).  

Heavenly Father,

Help me to give of myself completely and to never grow weary of loving those most in need. Help me to take the time to discern your will for me and realize my purpose here on earth for the glory of your name. Amen. 

Seeking A Sign

“Some of the scribes and Pharisees said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, we wish to see a sign from you.’ He said to them in reply, ‘An evil and unfaithful generation seeks a sign, but no sign will be given it except the sign of Jonah the prophet.’” (Matthew 12:38-39)

In today’s gospel, the scribes and Pharisees tell Jesus that they want to “see a sign” from him. They want him to perform some incredible miracle for them, to put on a show. They don’t want him to perform a miracle to help their belief; they just want him to perform for them. 

In his book, Jesus: A Gospel Portrait, Donald Senior explains the importance given to the healing ministry of Jesus. Jesus “was never content merely to proclaim and teach a message of love and mercy. His words and what he does are one. The herald of God’s love and mercy becomes the healer of sickness and disease. The compassion that led him to seek out the poor and the afflicted drove him to cure them and relieve their burdens. Zeal for God’s justice led him to challenge attitudes that isolated the sick and the disabled and denied them full access in the community of Israel. The gospels leave little doubt that such compassion and such a deep sense of justice were the motivation behind Jesus’ healing ministry. Compassion urges Jesus to touch the leper and cure him. Compassion for the crowds hunger moves him to feed them. His compassion for those cast aside by others and his determination to seek justice for them lead Jesus to respond to the pleading voice of the blind Bartimaeus when the disciples attempt to silence him.” (p. 106)

“The tragedy of our modern world is that it wants proof that God exists. There is no such proof. No amount of books, libraries, erudite people or marvelous speakers can convince us that God exists. We enter into the unseen mysteries of our faith, the mystery of God, through an experience, an event, a happening, a miracle…” (Catherine de Hueck Doherty).  Faith is a gift from God that we need to cherish and nurture. If we believe in Jesus Christ then we are called to follow in his footsteps. By following in his footsteps we can also perform miracles. We can be a voice for those who have no voice; the unborn babies and children. We can respond to the pleading voice of the homeless man on the corner. We can visit the sick, take a meal to a grieving widow or mow the lawn of a neighbor whose child is ill. There are so many in our own little part of the world that are in need.  And just as it was Jesus’ compassion that drove him to perform miracles, our compassion can be the driving force for miracles to occur in our lives as well. 

Sometimes Jesus does respond to our demands for a sign in order to help our unbelief. Thomas would not believe that Jesus had risen from the dead “unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands and put my hand into his side.” (John 20:25) I am sure the other Apostles' reaction would have been similar to Thomas'  if they had been the one who wasn’t there when Jesus appeared to them. But again, it was Jesus’ compassion that led him to respond with gentleness to Thomas’ unbelief. He didn’t chastise him, instead he told Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands, and bring your hand and put it into my side, and do not be unbelieving, but believe.” (John 20:27)

Dear heavenly Father,

Forgive me for the times that I have doubted you, for the times that I have demanded a sign from you. Open my eyes to all the miracles around me, to all the wonders of your majesty that are before me. Increase my faith so that I may believe even when I don’t see. Forgive my unbelief! Amen.   

Intercession of the Holy Spirit

“You, O LORD, are good and forgiving, abounding in kindness to all who call upon you. Hearken, O LORD, to my prayer and attend to the sound of my pleading.” (Psalm 86:5-6)

The Lord always listens to our cries. He wants for us to call on him, to trust in his mercy and to know that we are never alone. In today’s second reading we are reminded that God gave us the Holy Spirit to be with us and to intercede for us. “The Spirit comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes with inexpressible groanings.”  (Romans 8:26)

God doesn’t care so much how we pray, but he wants us to pray. Jesus’ life was an example of how we are to live and when we look at his life, we see that pray was central. He took everything to prayer and he often went to a deserted place to pray. When we are free from distractions we are able to be more receptive to God. When I was struggling with a particular issue, a friend told me to pray the rosary every day for 27 days for that particular intention and for the next 27 days to pray the rosary in thanksgiving for an answer to my prayer. I have never been one to pray novenas or to ask for intercession from the saints (this was not something I was ever exposed to growing up) so it was hard for me to remember to do it. There were a couple of days that I forgot and I know that forgetting to pray the rosary didn’t cause my prayer to not be answered. As the priest reminded us yesterday morning in his homily, we can’t manipulate God like that. I do know that setting aside the extra time in my daily prayer time to pray the rosary was a good thing for me. I also know that there has been healing in the area I have been praying about.

During my dedicated prayer time I begin by asking God to cleanse my heart of any worthless, evil or distracting thoughts and to give me the wisdom and love to pray with attention, reverence and devotion. This helps me to center myself. But throughout the day I also offer up prayers to God whether it is to give me patience when I am driving, steady hands when doing a procedure, compassion before entering a patient’s room at the hospital or words of thanksgiving for all the blessings he bestows on me. The Lord loves all of these prayers and he loves them most of all when I open up to him completely; pouring out my deepest fears, dark thoughts, desires and praise.

There will always be a longing in our hearts; perfection cannot be obtained here on earth because this is only a temporary place for us. Perfection in our love for God, in our relationship with him will only be obtained once we reside with him in heaven, our final destination. “Our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” (St. Augustine)

All Things Work for Good

“The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!” (Job 1:21)

Thirty-six years ago today my brother, Mitchell, was killed in a car accident. His friend lost control of the truck and when it crashed my brother was thrown from the truck. His neck was broken and he died, alone, in the middle of the night, on the side of a deserted highway. When I went downstairs for breakfast that morning, our neighbor was there. She told us that Mitchell had gone to heaven. I had no comprehension of what that meant, but got a glimpse when my parents got home. The grief in their heart was physically visible; I had never seen anyone look so sad. Back then there weren’t the resources that are available today for grieving families. The way my family dealt with it was by not talking about it at all. We were each in our own little world of grief. I think we were worried about making each other even sadder.

Mitchell had an identical twin, Mark. They had just graduated from high school and had their whole lives ahead of them, or so we thought. My grief was nothing compared to Mark’s. They were soul mates and a part of Mark died along with Mitchell that day. Mark left and joined the Navy. Slowly we began to heal and joy entered our lives again, until May 7, 1981 when my brother Kevin died. Kevin was killed in a motorcycle accident. It was near dusk and the sun was behind him, the man making a left turn out of the park did not see him. It happened so fast, there was nothing Kevin could do to stop it. He slammed headfirst into the wheel of the truck; even a helmet couldn’t protect him from the deadly blow. Our family was devastated! How could this be happening again?! We stumbled around in our grief for a very long time. This time I was the one graduating from high school, but I was terrified. Who was next to die in my family? I lost my best friend too; she didn’t know what to say to me so she said nothing at all.

With time, my family began to heal and see that God was with us through it all. Mark wasn’t supposed to return home on leave until later in the summer in 1981, but actually came back early and was able to spend some time with Kevin before he died. And 25 years ago today, Mark became a father. His daughter, Jayme, was born on this day. It was now a bittersweet day that has grown sweeter with time as we have watched Jayme grow into a beautiful young woman who is faith-filled and loving. No matter how difficult our trials or deep our sorrow, we must continue to believe that God is always with us.

“We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) 

The Paschal Lamb

“It is the Passover of the LORD. For on this same night I will go through Egypt, striking dow every first bor of the land, both man and beast, and executing judgment on all the gods of Egypt-I, the LORD! But the blood will mark the houses where you are. Seeing the blood, I will pass over you; thus, when I strike the land of Egypt, no destructive blow will come upon you. ‘This day shall be a memorial feast for you, which all your generations shall celebrate with pilgrimage to the LORD, as a perpetual institution.’” (Exodus 12: 11-14)

During Lent I had the opportunity to attend a Seder meal at St. Monica Catholic Church.  All the rituals of the meal were explained. Passover is the first of seven appointed festivals given to Israel to observe on a yearly basis. Passover is celebrated by having an evening Seder, a ceremonial meal that recounts the story of Israel’s miraculous deliverance and redemption. To be a part of that evening was a blessing. To experience all the richness of our faith; God’s mercy for the Israelites and to see how it culminate into the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Below are some of the things that were mentioned that night, it increased my desire to know more about the roots of my Catholic faith.

Passover is a wonderful celebration of God’s mighty works among his people Israel, however it points to another far greater work of deliverance and redemption. This deliverance and redemption would be provided by another “Passover Lamb,” Jesus the Messiah.  This Passover Lamb would be the One to deliver us from the bondage of sin and death for all eternity. This Passover Lamb has made us “unleavened” by His broken body and she blood poured out for our redemption and forgiveness. For we read in scripture:

“Clear out the old yeast, so that you may become a fresh batch of dough, inasmuch as you are unleavened. For our paschal lamb, Christ, has been sacrificed. Therefore, let us celebrate the feast, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth” (1 Corinthians 5:7-8). 

It was not only necessary for the Israelites to sacrifice the unblemished lamb, but to consume its flesh. Eating the sacrifice signified that the recipient actually partook of the redemption that God provided through the blood of the lamb. The redemption was not merely external, but it became internal through eating the sacrifice. There was, as we would say, a communion with the sacrifice that God provided. The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, then, is the fulfillment of the Passover meal. We actually do come forward and partake of the true Passover Lamb who is Jesus Christ. He was slain two thousand years ago in Jerusalem, yet that sacrifice is re-presented to us in the Holy Mass. We are allowed to partake in His sacrifice. In other words, we have communion with Christ and His redemptive act on the cross.

We know that Christ intended this because He died in the context of the Jewish Passover. Moreover, on the evening before Christ died on the cross, he instituted a sacramental meal that involved eating His flesh and drinking His blood. When we share in the Paschal Mystery of the Holy Mass, we share not only in Christ’s sufferings, but we unite our own sufferings to His sufferings. We become united to his sacrifice in a way that is both real and intimate.(Excerpts from The Crucified Rabbi: Judaism and the Origins of Catholic Christianity by Taylor Marshall). 

 So we can say with St. Paul, “Christ our Paschal Lamb, has been sacrificed. Let us, therefore, celebrate the feast” (1 Corinthians 5:7-8). 

Christ's Invitation

“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light" (Matthew 11:28-30).

Once again we hear this invitation from Christ in today’s gospel. And once again, I desperately needed to hear it. During Adoration last night I asked God to probe my heart. To help me see clearly if I am carrying a self-made cross or is it truly one in which I am united with Him. Is this hurt in my heart part of the healing process or does it persist because I can’t let go of it? Are my motives pure or selfish?

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

How do I find peace? By allowing Christ to be my center; to take his yoke upon me and not allow my heart to be ruled by anyone or anything. I need to have a conscious and deliberate reception of God’s grace. One way I can find this peace every day is through the Eucharist. During Mass we confess or sins and take our place once more in Christ’s death, dying to our sins and to the world. As we receive the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ, we receive forgiveness. We have knelt as sinners and rise as saints (Restoring the Christian Soul, p. 145). We rise empowered by God’s love and are no longer held prisoner by our sins.

His is an open invitation to each one of us but we must accept it every day. Our conversion is ongoing and ever changing as we are faced with the challenges of this world. When I feel overwhelmed and weary it is not a lack of faith but a reminder that I am off center and need to take time to be refreshed in Christ’s love.

On the Cusp of Heaven

“I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the child-like. Yes, Father, such has been your gracious will.” (Matthew 11:25-26)

I have a patient who was home on hospice care and was admitted to the hospital on June 14^th for pain control and end-of-life care. He is still alive today. We didn’t think he would make it through that first night and many other nights since then. Physiologically he should not be alive. His lungs are full of cancer, he hasn’t eaten in 6 weeks, he drinks very little and receives enough pain medication to kill several large adults, yet he is only 14 years old and is still in pain. He asks every day why God doesn’t take him and put an end to his suffering. I don’t have an answer to that question.

He has an incredible faith! He loves Jesus and knows that he will be with Him soon. He is looking forward to having both of his legs again and running in heaven. He has talked about how beautiful “the gates” are, several times. One day he mentioned being in a field with Martha. He loves to listen to the Christian music CDs I made for him and they are usually playing when you walk in his room. He loves to have scripture read to him, especially Psalms, and he talks about Jesus to everyone who walks in his room.

Maybe this month has been given to him to evangelize to all of us at the hospital. This amazing young man has so many reasons to be angry at God, yet he only has words of praise. His witness to God’s fidelity reminds me that being a Christian means to bear all things through Christ and to always trust in Him. What a privilege for me to be a part of his life when he is on the edge of life and death, on the cusp of heaven! To receive glimpses of what is to come when it is my turn to travel on that journey.

“For this reason they stand before God’s throne and worship him day and night in his temple. The one who sits on the throne will shelter them. They will not hunger or thirst anymore, nor will the sun or any heat strike them. For the Lamb who is in the center of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to springs of life-giving water, and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.” (Revelation 7:15-17). 

Much is Expected

“Jesus began to reproach the towns where most of his mighty deeds had been done, since they had not repented” (Matthew 11:20).

The people of Chorazin and Bethsaida had Jesus in their presence, they witnessed his miracles, yet they rejected him. Jesus’ teachings were hard; they turned the world, as they knew it, upside down. They were called to love their enemies, forgive those who betrayed you, and instructed not to judge. His works were the works of his Father; those of the compassionate and just God of Israel. Jesus’ actions of authentic, unconditional love; his association with sinners and outcasts, evoked opposition. His ministry tore holes in their concept of religion and challenged their own convictions of who truly were the people of God.

I have heard people question why God doesn’t do some mighty deed so that more will believe in him. He has done that. He parted the Red Sea, sent the Israelites manna from heaven, provided water from a rock and so many other miracles but those things were quickly forgotten and they were back to their sinful ways. God sent his Son and he was also rejected. It wouldn’t be any different in this day and age.

Jesus tells us that those who have been given much, much is expected of them (Luke 12:48). The people of Chorazin and Bethsaida were given much but refused to repent and follow Jesus, which is why their judgment will be so harsh. I know I get more frustrated when someone does something even though “they knew better” than I would with someone who doesn’t know any better. Jesus is the same way. We have been given the gift of faith and much is expected of us. We are called to die unto ourselves daily and follow Christ. We are to be his hands and feet, spreading the gospel to all those that he places in or care.

By God’s Grace

“Do not think I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. Whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” (Matthew 11:34, 37)

I used to have trouble with this gospel reading, how could I love anyone more than my children? How can I not be worthy of Christ because I love my children so much? But I have learned that unless Christ is first in my life, than none of my relationships will be what they are meant to be. It is through my relationship with Christ that I even know how to love. It is by His example that I learn about sacrificial love, and being a parent requires much sacrifice.

Jesus talks about causing division in households, “For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother…and one’s enemies will be those of his household” (Matthew 10:35-36).

A couple of years ago I spoke with a priest, Fr. Jason, about how I felt that as I grew in my faith and my relationship with Christ deepened, I grew further apart from my husband. He told me that Jesus said there would be division in households because of him. I was frustrated because I was in awe of Christ and my desire to know him even more was so strong. I wanted my husband to experience what I was, but he wanted nothing to do with it. Fr. Jason reminded me that I was the one who was changing “the rules”, not my husband. My husband was happy with things the way they had been for the past 22 years of marriage.

As I stepped back and looked at the situation, I realized that I was being judgmental and selfish. I wanted my husband to change and thought it was ridiculous that he wouldn’t. Why on earth would he not want this too? I certainly wasn’t being Christ-like; Jesus never demanded that others followed him. Instead of being patient and gentle, I was demanding and intolerable of anything less than what I wanted. The more I pushed my thoughts on my husband, the harder he resisted. So I decided to work on myself. I can’t change my husband, or anyone else for that matter, but I can change myself. I have tried to be more loving, more patient, and through my actions I have tried to show my husband the love of Christ. Slowly the desire in my husband’s heart to know more about the Catholic faith and Christ has increased. It is only by God’s grace that this has happened. I will continue to pray that God will increase my husband’s faith as well as my own.