Finding a Balance

But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the water, I will be with you; in the rivers you shall not drown. When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned the flames shall not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Ethiopia and Seba in return for you. Because you are precious in my eyes and glorious, and because I love you. I give men in return for you and peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; from the east I will bring back your descendents, from the west I will gather you.

I will say to the north: Give them up! and to the south: Hold not back! Bring back my sons from afar,

And my daughters from the ends of the earth: Everyone who is named as mine, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made. (Isaiah 43:1-7)

One of the women on the prayer team gave me some scripture to pray with that specifically focuses on God’s love for me. One of her suggestions was that passage from Isaiah. Below is my reflection on that scripture on 1/23/2011.

I’ve been shattered into a million pieces. For so long I have been wandering, picking up the pieces and trying to put me back together. I have been trying so hard but can’t seem to find all the pieces. God has brought people into my life that have helped me along the way. At first I hid from them, I didn’t want them to see how broken I was. And then I would hand them a few pieces, not sure I could trust them. Some people have gently put the pieces back together and with God’s love, they have healed. But others have taken the pieces I entrusted to them and shattered them. I bend down, trembling and weeping, to pick up the pieces, and when I rise they are gone. Why? Why would you do this to me? I thought you cared about me. I thought you loved me.

God is standing before me with his hands outstretched, wanting me to hand the pieces over to him. Satan is also near me, holding some of the pieces that he has gathered up and some that he has ripped away from me. God is telling Satan, “Give them up! Hold not back!” So here I stand, trembling and weeping. God demanding that Satan release his grip on me and Satan refusing to let go.”

I think God places people in our lives that help us to see God’s love, but how do you really know that you can trust them? Some of the people that God has brought into my life have been faithful. God has always been the foundation of their love for me. They have never shamed me or belittled me. They have built me up and have shown me that I am a precious daughter of the King. But others have hurt me, betrayed me after they have won my trust. We all have hurts. We have all been betrayed. That is what happens when you are willing to open yourself up to love. But I allowed that hurt to cripple me. I allowed my world to crumble because of this hurt. And this is where I have had to find a balance. I am learning how to open my heart, learning how to trust and be vulnerable but also learning to guard my heart; to never allow someone’s hurtful words to crush me again. I have to pick myself up, turn toward God and place all the hurt into his hands and allow the healing to occur. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen or cling to the pain, asking “Why?” over and over. I do have to acknowledge the hurt before forgiveness can occur and only with God’s grace can I truly forgive.

“Let us fall into the hands of the LORD and not into the hands of men, for equal to his majesty is the mercy that he shows.” (Sirach 2:18)