Work has been incredibly hard lately. It is one death after another. Last week there were two only a few hours apart. One relapse after another; new diagnosis after new diagnosis. Why? Why? Why? Isn’t it too much for a single mom to give birth to a healthy baby girl one day and hold her dead son in her arms the very next day?
Several months ago I was in this same place, questioning if I can continue to do this work and I reached out to a friend asking for his prayers. He told me to remain strong; that I can’t shed a tear because I need to be an example of faith and hope for these families. My first response was, “He doesn’t get it.” Stuffing my feelings down isn’t going to help anyone. I need to grieve. But as I reflected on his words, telling me to be a sign of faith for them, I began to understand what he meant. I need to remind them that this is only temporary and they will see their child again. My faith needs to shine forth for all those that I come in contact with and to trust in God’s amazing grace. I began to see these difficult times as opportunities to be faith-filled and a witness to my belief in eternal life. My friend helped me to see that I need to set aside my own grief when I am with the family and be strong for them. And when I am alone with the Lord I can shed my tears and allow Him to refresh my soul so that I can continue to do His work.
This particular patient was a teenage girl who lived a couple of weeks longer than we expected and it was a blessing for the family. During this time she told her parents that the thing she was most sad about was that she would never get to really know them. She wanted to hear about their childhood so each one of them spent hours sharing their life with her. Her father had a very rough childhood full of abuse but he shared all of this with her. When he was finished she thanked her dad for sharing his life with her. Her mom did the same thing, talking about her first boyfriend and the things she did with her sisters growing up. What an amazing gift this was for her parents, how many of us would think to do this when we were dying?
I will take this advice once again as I settle in for the night. I will shed my tears for the beautiful baby girl and her family we had to tell today that the scan showed her lungs to also be full of cancer and there is no treatment to offer them. Our job now is to keep her comfortable so the family can enjoy what time she has left on this earth making memories that will last a life time. I will shed my tears for the child who relapsed today, for the child who died yesterday and the child who was newly diagnosed on Wednesday. I will allow the Holy Spirit to refresh my soul so when I go back to work on Monday I will be a sign of faith and hope to my families that I have the privilege of caring for.
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