Surrender

“Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.” (John 12:24)

Dying unto myself requires me to surrender totally to God. Not just in the big things but in the everyday things as well. I am a planner, I like to make sure things are organized and set in place as much as possible. It helps me to be less anxious. When I was planning our 25^th wedding anniversary Mass, I picked out the music and the readings. I emailed them to Fr. Jason to look over. All of our planning had been through email so I asked if we could meet for 15 minutes just to touch base and make sure we were on the same page. This was his response; I think that what you have is fine. The readings you have selected look good. Sure, no problem with having people read and the music. I think it is best to try to keep it simpler than more complex. This is a holy time for you and your husband. It is a time of celebrating 25 years of marriage. Sometimes the details can get in the way. Be at peace with what you have and I will see you around 11:30-11:40 on Saturday.”

I couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t meet with me! If he only knew how much that would decrease my anxiety. But I left it alone and asked God to help me be at peace and to focus on this holy time like Fr. Jason mentioned. I needed to trust that it would all fall into place, just as He planned it and not get in the way. Fr. Jason forcing me to just trust and be at peace was actually a blessing. And the day was perfect. The Mass and the music were so beautiful and we were surrounded in prayer by our friends.

Growing up, my home life was so chaotic and this is why I like to plan things. I think I am in control and that I am decreasing my anxiety when in fact it often does the opposite. Things rarely happen the way we plan them. Being able to “go with the flow” and placing it all in God’s hands is what will bring me peace and alleviate my anxiety. I need to be open so that He can surprise me. Each and every day we need to place ourselves in his hands and allow him to fashion us into the person he created us to be.

 “Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.” (Philippians 4:6)