How Often Must I Forgive?

Peter asked Jesus, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him?” (Matthew 18:21)

There isn’t a limit to the number of times we must forgive others. We forgive others not for their sake, but for our own. When we harbor unforgiveness in our hearts, it eats away at us. It causes us to be bitter and angry, especially when the person feels no remorse for what they did to you or even worse, refuse to even acknowledge that they hurt you. Unforgiveness turns you into someone that you aren’t and leads you to sin. True forgiveness can only occur when God is at the center of it.

Just as we learn to love, because God loved us first, we also learn to forgive because Christ paid the ultimate price for the forgiveness of our sins, and we are called to imitate him. Forgiveness turns our stony heart back into one that is capable of loving again. It removes the veil from our eyes and we are able to see beyond our hatred. I also learned that we have to allow the person who sinned against us the opportunity to ask for forgiveness.

It took me years to really forgive my father for the abuse I endured through his sins. But my Spiritual Director helped me to see that I had to overcome my fear and give him the opportunity to ask for forgiveness as well. I was terrified to be alone with my dad and made sure that it never happened. But last summer when I was back home visiting, my dad invited me to go to Mass with him. I usually met him there but this time I allowed him to pick me up. After Mass, instead of taking me back to my sister’s house, he drove to his house. I began to panic; my heart was racing, I felt as if I would vomit, and I wanted to jump out of the car. I had reverted back to that 15 year old girl who was terrified. I began to pray for God to protect me from harm and to bring me peace. My dad had recently been on an ACTS retreat and when we got to his house, he told me that during the retreat, several people spoke about forgiveness and how important it was to ask for forgiveness from the person we have offended. He told me that he had asked God many times to forgive him for what he did to me, and he needed to ask the same from me. He apologized and told me that he hoped that one day I could also forgive him. I told him that I had already forgiven him. 

The first person I called was my Spiritual Director and he said, “Praise God!” When I told my counselor, she was literally speechless. She said that it is so rare that the perpetrator seeks forgiveness from their victim. I knew it was truly a gift from God. Things are still hard between me and my dad, but slowly a trust is beginning to develop. If I had been too afraid to be alone with my dad, he would have never had the chance to apologize because it is not something he could do with others present. And that would have been a loss for both of us.

“Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:32)